ESPN Producer Caught Publicly Touching/Resembling His Weiner

So my first reaction when I saw this story about ESPN Producer Neil Goldberg was to think back on similar peeping Toms and public masturbators that have been caught doing their thing in the past few months. Like this guy who wasn’t doing anything but was clearly suspicious, or this guy who was actually rubbing his junk on some poor girl on the N-train.  Whenever I see stories like this I can’t help but think about how much high-quality porn is so readily available on the Interent.  And it blows my mind that these guys, many of whom would go to the lengths that they do, with all the associated risk of getting caught, being embarrassed, arrested, losing your family and job, and basically having your life ruined in every imaginable way.  So how is it possible that so many men who are otherwise leading normal, healthy lives choose to stare this risk in the face and then attempt to cover it with their J-O-nnaise? There’s no way they are unaware or unwilling to tap into the plethora of debauchery that is but a Google away.  Is there?

The only conceivable answer is one that just may scare me right off the web for years to come: Is it possible that these poor bastards have “used up” their appetite for Internet porn?  I mean how many times can you really watch a girl in an ASU cheerleading uniform get demoralized by two men? Quite a few it seems, but there has to be a limit.  I’ll report back when I hit it.

I certainly hope this isn’t the case, though, because the Internet and its barrage of flesh-at-your-fingertips are still a fairly new part of human life.  Imagine all the guys out there that have been watching that shit since age 11!  There’s no telling what level of craziness they’ve worked up to now.  Sooner or later, the bubble’s going to pop and there will be a GLOBAL PANDEMIC of desperate lunatics running around out there perching on the windowsills of innocent showerers and snaking cameras through the peepholes at their favorite announcers’ hotel rooms; a veritable zombie-invasion of guys that just can’t get off by watching porn anymore and are forced to wander the Earth looking for open windows to climb into so they can eat your underwear.

Hide ya kids, hide ya wife, etc.

So Duke is the Best Place to go to College

We all know the lacrosse team knows how to party.  So their choice of stripper was a little misguided, but come on, their hearts were in the right place.  Anyway, some mediocre broad who builds her sense of self-worth solely on the attention of men decided the best way to spend her 4 years of higher education would be to create an incredibly detailed account of all the “scientific research” she did hanging out at a place called Shooters and going home with whichever horny Blue Devils laid the best line on her for 4 years.  And the Internet thanks her by (obviously) spreading the 42-slide Powerpoint presentation all over the damn place, complete with subjects’ real names and likenesses.

Memorable Moments [with Subject 7]: Hooking up on Subject 4’s couch, as he lay sleeping ten feet away.  The quote: “I just want to come all over you.” The Subject successfully (and accidentally) marking his territory with reproductive fluid on the couch, in the exact spot that [subject 4] sat upon his reentry (to much general amusement).  His dirty talk (his voice is actually incredibly sexy). The randomness of the entire encounter.”

You can check out Jezebel for a woman’s perspective, but they’ve redacted all the names and faces.  So if you think you might know some of the poor bastards who’ve been outed for their small weiners and lackluster attempts to bring da noise and/or funk, head over to Boston Barstool Sports to see the PPT in its entirety.

That’s her up top, by the way, on the left.  Meh.  Seen better, seen worse.  But in the eyes of many men, mediocre + DTF = 9/10.  I guess it just reinforces the Seinfeldian theory on female sexuality.

For women, sex is like the garbage man.  You just take for granted that anytime you put some trash out on the street, some guy in a jumpsuit’s going to come along and pick it up.

-Jerry Seinfeld

Some people are concerned about gender discrimination because of the fact that this broad has sullied a lot of men’s, citing the fact that if the roles were reversed, and a man was objectifying and ranking women, no one would think this was funny at all.  Remember that New York Times article about how high school freshman drafting fantasy teams of girls they wanted to hookup with? Caused a fuckin outrage over the “Dangerous Swagger” of high school athletes.  So add to that actual encounters, followed by the public release of all the incriminating details about the innocent underequipped garbagemen involved.

But who really cares about whining about someone else’s problems? Douchebags, that’s who.  The real issue is this bitch does not know how to tell a story at all.  I mean she’s a big enough whore to get banged by all the LAXers and baseball players at Duke, yet she somehow finds a way to make it all completely uninteresting??  You need to set the mood for your reader, honey.  Quit the clinical bull and give me some imagery.  Tell me about the soft candlelight at the restaurant black light at the frat house, the complexity of the merlot tequila you’re sipping puking up at Chez Quis Shooters, while a gentleman fratboy approaches to tell you you’re beautiful ask, “so you want my D?” Phewf, I’m getting all hot and bothered already.  Slap a portrait of bare-chested Fabio on the cover and you’ve got yourself a national best-seller.  Maybe throw in a few vampires just to seal the deal.  And for Pete’s sake, woman, how dare you forget the golden fucking rule of the Internet – PICS OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!

Pamela Anderson Had an Epiphany

To the surprise of absolutely no one, Pamela Anderson has finally taken notice of the same thing we all said when we first sat down and watched Tommy Lee steer his boat with that flesh-colored baseball bat back in 1998.

“My children are made fun of because I have posed naked,” confessed actress and model, Pamela Anderson while attending a Playboy party during a two day tour in Bucharest. “When you pose, you are not thinking that one day you will have children who will see it,” added the 43 year old mother of two during an interview with Romanian channel, Pro TV.

Guanabee.com

Well if it’s any consolation, Pam is a lot more meaningful in the general pop-culture hivemind than the other broads who seek fame by pretending the release of their sex-tapes is an accidents.  She basically invented the celebrity sex-tape that’s now a media mainstay.  Think about that.  The world is a very different place than it was in the 90s, when a sex-tape was universally presumed to have been career-ending.  Pam took her position as the modern sexual icon a step further than Marilyn Monroe would ever dream, and in doing so created something that is as taboo as it gets, yet simultaneously so strategically effective that every wannabe in “show business” (loosely defined) has to follow in her footsteps to get their name out there, all while PRETENDING that it’s an accident.

Pam Anderson is a mainstream, nonsubversive porn star who actually does all the dirty things her disciples fantasize about.  Marilyn Monroe was the perfect vessel for an age where it was wrong to want wild, easy sex; Pam is the perfect vessel in an age where not wanting wild, easy sex makes you a puritanical, born-again weirdo.  It’s not enough to talk like Mae West.  Anybody can do that.  We need proof. Pam has the proof.

-Chuck Klosterman, Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs

Unfortunately, I doubt her son will be able to explain the impact of his mom’s business savvy on the playground.  It’s hard to think straight when some bully’s got his foot up your ass and your face buried in a picture of your mom licking her own nipples.  And if his argument is going to be, “Without my mom, there’d be no Keeping up with the Kardashians,” he’s not going to win too many friends.