ESPN Producer Caught Publicly Touching/Resembling His Weiner

So my first reaction when I saw this story about ESPN Producer Neil Goldberg was to think back on similar peeping Toms and public masturbators that have been caught doing their thing in the past few months. Like this guy who wasn’t doing anything but was clearly suspicious, or this guy who was actually rubbing his junk on some poor girl on the N-train.  Whenever I see stories like this I can’t help but think about how much high-quality porn is so readily available on the Interent.  And it blows my mind that these guys, many of whom would go to the lengths that they do, with all the associated risk of getting caught, being embarrassed, arrested, losing your family and job, and basically having your life ruined in every imaginable way.  So how is it possible that so many men who are otherwise leading normal, healthy lives choose to stare this risk in the face and then attempt to cover it with their J-O-nnaise? There’s no way they are unaware or unwilling to tap into the plethora of debauchery that is but a Google away.  Is there?

The only conceivable answer is one that just may scare me right off the web for years to come: Is it possible that these poor bastards have “used up” their appetite for Internet porn?  I mean how many times can you really watch a girl in an ASU cheerleading uniform get demoralized by two men? Quite a few it seems, but there has to be a limit.  I’ll report back when I hit it.

I certainly hope this isn’t the case, though, because the Internet and its barrage of flesh-at-your-fingertips are still a fairly new part of human life.  Imagine all the guys out there that have been watching that shit since age 11!  There’s no telling what level of craziness they’ve worked up to now.  Sooner or later, the bubble’s going to pop and there will be a GLOBAL PANDEMIC of desperate lunatics running around out there perching on the windowsills of innocent showerers and snaking cameras through the peepholes at their favorite announcers’ hotel rooms; a veritable zombie-invasion of guys that just can’t get off by watching porn anymore and are forced to wander the Earth looking for open windows to climb into so they can eat your underwear.

Hide ya kids, hide ya wife, etc.

ASU Challenges Duke as Top University for Women’s Studies

See, Karen Owens, there’s no need to worry about that whole “Fucklist” ordeal, the Internet has already moved its microscope onto some other jackass! Elizabeth Hawkenson has become today’s queen of the Intertubez, after appearing in an amateur “audition” porn for the site BackroomCastingCouch, in which she used her real name AND showed her student ID from Arizona State.  The initial uproar concerned revoking her $32,o00 scholarship to the University, as seen in the below reader email from Boston Barstool Sports

Arizona Board of Regents 2020 N. Central Avenue Suite 230 Phoenix, AZ 85004-4593 RE: Elizabeth A. Hawkenson (Copperas Cove, Texas), 2010 ASU Freshman Class Distinguished Regents, I am writing to express my shock and horror at the public conduct of a member of Arizona State University’s 2010 freshman class, Elizabeth A. Hawkenson of Copperas Cove, Texas. This person recently appeared in an internet video in which she identified herself by name, showed her ASU student ID card, then proceeded to engage in explicit and degrading sexual activities with a stranger. She was paid for the act and signed a waiver allowing the video to be posted on the internet. As an ASU alumnus, I object to Ms. Hawkenson’s choice to identify herself as an ASU student in a pornographic video that is available to the general public. I feel that which clearly violates the ASU Student Code of Conduct. On behalf of my fellow ASU alumni, I demand that Ms. Hawkenson’s $32,000 New American Scholar Award be revoked immediately. A young woman who brings shame on her university in such a public and degrading way does not deserve the financial support of that university. Yours Sincerely, Anonymous ASU Alumnus BostonBarstoolSports

Random message boards all over the Web are now claiming that she has been expelled.  Well, WAY TO GO, ASU.  Man, you blew this one (no pun intended).  First of all, ASU is already known as the biggest party school in the country, so nobody’s taking your academic credentials any more seriously for kicking this chick out.  And unimpressive as the curriculum is, this wannabe-pornographer was still doing well enough in the classroom to hang on to her scholarship and probably graduate, at which point she would likely go on to do something OTHER THAN PORN with the rest of her life.  She’s obviously short of cash, not only relying on the school’s financial aid also but banging out strangers to pay for Ramen Noodles.  Now what does her future hold?  Well she still doesn’t have that degree she wanted, and she has even less money now.  I’d bet the farm on “straight back to porn before she gets any older.”

She’s gotta feed the monkey, man.