Pamela Anderson Had an Epiphany

To the surprise of absolutely no one, Pamela Anderson has finally taken notice of the same thing we all said when we first sat down and watched Tommy Lee steer his boat with that flesh-colored baseball bat back in 1998.

“My children are made fun of because I have posed naked,” confessed actress and model, Pamela Anderson while attending a Playboy party during a two day tour in Bucharest. “When you pose, you are not thinking that one day you will have children who will see it,” added the 43 year old mother of two during an interview with Romanian channel, Pro TV.

Well if it’s any consolation, Pam is a lot more meaningful in the general pop-culture hivemind than the other broads who seek fame by pretending the release of their sex-tapes is an accidents.  She basically invented the celebrity sex-tape that’s now a media mainstay.  Think about that.  The world is a very different place than it was in the 90s, when a sex-tape was universally presumed to have been career-ending.  Pam took her position as the modern sexual icon a step further than Marilyn Monroe would ever dream, and in doing so created something that is as taboo as it gets, yet simultaneously so strategically effective that every wannabe in “show business” (loosely defined) has to follow in her footsteps to get their name out there, all while PRETENDING that it’s an accident.

Pam Anderson is a mainstream, nonsubversive porn star who actually does all the dirty things her disciples fantasize about.  Marilyn Monroe was the perfect vessel for an age where it was wrong to want wild, easy sex; Pam is the perfect vessel in an age where not wanting wild, easy sex makes you a puritanical, born-again weirdo.  It’s not enough to talk like Mae West.  Anybody can do that.  We need proof. Pam has the proof.

-Chuck Klosterman, Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs

Unfortunately, I doubt her son will be able to explain the impact of his mom’s business savvy on the playground.  It’s hard to think straight when some bully’s got his foot up your ass and your face buried in a picture of your mom licking her own nipples.  And if his argument is going to be, “Without my mom, there’d be no Keeping up with the Kardashians,” he’s not going to win too many friends.