ESPN Producer Caught Publicly Touching/Resembling His Weiner

So my first reaction when I saw this story about ESPN Producer Neil Goldberg was to think back on similar peeping Toms and public masturbators that have been caught doing their thing in the past few months. Like this guy who wasn’t doing anything but was clearly suspicious, or this guy who was actually rubbing his junk on some poor girl on the N-train.  Whenever I see stories like this I can’t help but think about how much high-quality porn is so readily available on the Interent.  And it blows my mind that these guys, many of whom would go to the lengths that they do, with all the associated risk of getting caught, being embarrassed, arrested, losing your family and job, and basically having your life ruined in every imaginable way.  So how is it possible that so many men who are otherwise leading normal, healthy lives choose to stare this risk in the face and then attempt to cover it with their J-O-nnaise? There’s no way they are unaware or unwilling to tap into the plethora of debauchery that is but a Google away.  Is there?

The only conceivable answer is one that just may scare me right off the web for years to come: Is it possible that these poor bastards have “used up” their appetite for Internet porn?  I mean how many times can you really watch a girl in an ASU cheerleading uniform get demoralized by two men? Quite a few it seems, but there has to be a limit.  I’ll report back when I hit it.

I certainly hope this isn’t the case, though, because the Internet and its barrage of flesh-at-your-fingertips are still a fairly new part of human life.  Imagine all the guys out there that have been watching that shit since age 11!  There’s no telling what level of craziness they’ve worked up to now.  Sooner or later, the bubble’s going to pop and there will be a GLOBAL PANDEMIC of desperate lunatics running around out there perching on the windowsills of innocent showerers and snaking cameras through the peepholes at their favorite announcers’ hotel rooms; a veritable zombie-invasion of guys that just can’t get off by watching porn anymore and are forced to wander the Earth looking for open windows to climb into so they can eat your underwear.

Hide ya kids, hide ya wife, etc.

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ASU Challenges Duke as Top University for Women’s Studies

See, Karen Owens, there’s no need to worry about that whole “Fucklist” ordeal, the Internet has already moved its microscope onto some other jackass! Elizabeth Hawkenson has become today’s queen of the Intertubez, after appearing in an amateur “audition” porn for the site BackroomCastingCouch, in which she used her real name AND showed her student ID from Arizona State.  The initial uproar concerned revoking her $32,o00 scholarship to the University, as seen in the below reader email from Boston Barstool Sports

Arizona Board of Regents 2020 N. Central Avenue Suite 230 Phoenix, AZ 85004-4593 RE: Elizabeth A. Hawkenson (Copperas Cove, Texas), 2010 ASU Freshman Class Distinguished Regents, I am writing to express my shock and horror at the public conduct of a member of Arizona State University’s 2010 freshman class, Elizabeth A. Hawkenson of Copperas Cove, Texas. This person recently appeared in an internet video in which she identified herself by name, showed her ASU student ID card, then proceeded to engage in explicit and degrading sexual activities with a stranger. She was paid for the act and signed a waiver allowing the video to be posted on the internet. As an ASU alumnus, I object to Ms. Hawkenson’s choice to identify herself as an ASU student in a pornographic video that is available to the general public. I feel that which clearly violates the ASU Student Code of Conduct. On behalf of my fellow ASU alumni, I demand that Ms. Hawkenson’s $32,000 New American Scholar Award be revoked immediately. A young woman who brings shame on her university in such a public and degrading way does not deserve the financial support of that university. Yours Sincerely, Anonymous ASU Alumnus BostonBarstoolSports

Random message boards all over the Web are now claiming that she has been expelled.  Well, WAY TO GO, ASU.  Man, you blew this one (no pun intended).  First of all, ASU is already known as the biggest party school in the country, so nobody’s taking your academic credentials any more seriously for kicking this chick out.  And unimpressive as the curriculum is, this wannabe-pornographer was still doing well enough in the classroom to hang on to her scholarship and probably graduate, at which point she would likely go on to do something OTHER THAN PORN with the rest of her life.  She’s obviously short of cash, not only relying on the school’s financial aid also but banging out strangers to pay for Ramen Noodles.  Now what does her future hold?  Well she still doesn’t have that degree she wanted, and she has even less money now.  I’d bet the farm on “straight back to porn before she gets any older.”

She’s gotta feed the monkey, man.

Anderson Cooper to Michigan Assistant AG: There’s Something a Little Queer About Your Behavior

Before everyone gets their panties in a twist, this guy has every reason to campaign against, and not-so-covertly stalk University of Michigan Student Council President Chris Armstrong.  The late-night selection at the cafeteria is a COMPLETE waste of time, and anyone who actually wants to eat that pizza is quite obviously a racist Nazi liar.

But seriously, am I wrong or is this guy 100% giving handjobs in the confessional booth every Sunday before dusting off his finest “GOD HATES FAGS” sign and heading to Armstrong’s dorm room? Throughout this whole interview I was just waiting for Anderson to give this poor bastard some advice and say, “If you like him, tell him you like him!”

How is it possible that I’m a worthless nobody and this guy is among the top 10 most important decision-makers in the great state of Michigan?  Dios mio, mang.  Hard to imagine he can even get any work done from inside that closet.

P.S. Just want to remind everyone that just because you have a right to say what you want doesn’t mean you’re not being a complete and total jackass.  In fact, if you ever have to point out to someone else that you’re within your rights, chances are 95% that’s exactly what’s going on.  I can just see this guy getting inches from Chris Armstrong’s face going “I’m not touching you!”

Flash Crash Report is 140 Pages of Stuff You Already Know

This Just in: “May 6th Was an Unusually Turbulent Day in the Markets.”  Who woulda thought? I certainly can’t tell just by looking at this chart.

Today’s CFTC report basically told everyone a bunch of things they already knew.  That a turbulent climate in Europe set the stage for a huge down day that overran the market with fear, exacerbated by high-frequency algorithms and retail stop-losses triggering each other in turn like some snot-nosed brat playing an avalanche-inducing round of Domino Rally atop a mountain of human shit.

Remember that the initial speculation was a fat-finger from someone on an institutional desk (Citi was the one named) swiping bids to unload 10 billion S&P E-mini contracts?  The report now says it was 75,000 contracts, quite a bit less, but still a SHITLOAD of liquidity to wipe out in 20 minutes.  And obviously high-frequency traders see that happening and proceed to bomb the hell out of the already sinking ship.  As a wannabe day-trader who was in (and out of) equities on May 6th, I can tell you that when you see the above chart at 2:40 and CNBC is literally broadcasting video of Greek citizens storming banks with Molotov cocktails to the chagrin of riot-control police officers, the easiest thing you’ve ever done in your life is hitting that sell button (assuming you can avoid having an anxiety attack).

Tune in to your favorite talking heads if you like hearing the terms “circuit breakers” and “exacerbating factors,” but stick to WG if you want to hear some things you didn’t already know, for example: CFTC Chairman Clifton has a really nice mullet.  Looks like if he tires of finance he could have a fruitful career in the WWF.

So Duke is the Best Place to go to College

We all know the lacrosse team knows how to party.  So their choice of stripper was a little misguided, but come on, their hearts were in the right place.  Anyway, some mediocre broad who builds her sense of self-worth solely on the attention of men decided the best way to spend her 4 years of higher education would be to create an incredibly detailed account of all the “scientific research” she did hanging out at a place called Shooters and going home with whichever horny Blue Devils laid the best line on her for 4 years.  And the Internet thanks her by (obviously) spreading the 42-slide Powerpoint presentation all over the damn place, complete with subjects’ real names and likenesses.

Memorable Moments [with Subject 7]: Hooking up on Subject 4’s couch, as he lay sleeping ten feet away.  The quote: “I just want to come all over you.” The Subject successfully (and accidentally) marking his territory with reproductive fluid on the couch, in the exact spot that [subject 4] sat upon his reentry (to much general amusement).  His dirty talk (his voice is actually incredibly sexy). The randomness of the entire encounter.”

You can check out Jezebel for a woman’s perspective, but they’ve redacted all the names and faces.  So if you think you might know some of the poor bastards who’ve been outed for their small weiners and lackluster attempts to bring da noise and/or funk, head over to Boston Barstool Sports to see the PPT in its entirety.

That’s her up top, by the way, on the left.  Meh.  Seen better, seen worse.  But in the eyes of many men, mediocre + DTF = 9/10.  I guess it just reinforces the Seinfeldian theory on female sexuality.

For women, sex is like the garbage man.  You just take for granted that anytime you put some trash out on the street, some guy in a jumpsuit’s going to come along and pick it up.

-Jerry Seinfeld

Some people are concerned about gender discrimination because of the fact that this broad has sullied a lot of men’s, citing the fact that if the roles were reversed, and a man was objectifying and ranking women, no one would think this was funny at all.  Remember that New York Times article about how high school freshman drafting fantasy teams of girls they wanted to hookup with? Caused a fuckin outrage over the “Dangerous Swagger” of high school athletes.  So add to that actual encounters, followed by the public release of all the incriminating details about the innocent underequipped garbagemen involved.

But who really cares about whining about someone else’s problems? Douchebags, that’s who.  The real issue is this bitch does not know how to tell a story at all.  I mean she’s a big enough whore to get banged by all the LAXers and baseball players at Duke, yet she somehow finds a way to make it all completely uninteresting??  You need to set the mood for your reader, honey.  Quit the clinical bull and give me some imagery.  Tell me about the soft candlelight at the restaurant black light at the frat house, the complexity of the merlot tequila you’re sipping puking up at Chez Quis Shooters, while a gentleman fratboy approaches to tell you you’re beautiful ask, “so you want my D?” Phewf, I’m getting all hot and bothered already.  Slap a portrait of bare-chested Fabio on the cover and you’ve got yourself a national best-seller.  Maybe throw in a few vampires just to seal the deal.  And for Pete’s sake, woman, how dare you forget the golden fucking rule of the Internet – PICS OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!

Artie Lange Alive and Kicking, Probably Abusing

The world’s most tragically successful fat bastard is reportedly close to speaking about his most recent meltdown and subsequent suicide attempt, according to the fanblog Save Baby Gorilla

Gary said that he has spoken to Artie, who wants to come in to the show to tell the whole story.  Audio below:

Haven’t heard the show in a while, but I’m definitely a longtime fan and want to see Artie get better.  The guy has a ton of baggage when it comes to depression and drug/alcohol abuse; a combination of watching his dad die slowly from a freak accident at a young age and then a life on stage touring NYC’s open mikes – all of which are available for your reading pleasure in Artie’s book Too Fat to Fish.

Now in his 40s, this isn’t the first time Art’s been too messed up to show up to work everyday, even though he’s being paid $700,000 a year to do so.  Seems like he is really desperate to go out like the other tragic fatboys before him, but it’s just not in the cards.  Even when he takes matters into his own hands and stabs himself in the fucking stomach a few times.

Get well, fatass.  Show needs you.

My Last Word on Ines

So I was getting some flack yesterday in the Twitterverse by people who have no sense of hyperbole or humor.  Check out the post, write some shit in the comments.  Go nuts, start a flame war.

http://www.awfulannouncing.com/2010-articles/september/la-ultima-palabra-mia-sobre-ines-sainz.html