Warren Sapp and Michael Irvin Remind You Who’s STILL the Best LB in the League

Can you blame them?  Mike also shows us a face formerly known only to Dallas nightclub bathroom attendants circa 1995.

To the delight of ‘Canes alumni everywhere, Ray Lewis came through with the game-clinching pick in yesterday’s 17-14 win over the Steelers.  Maybe someone should tell him he’s 35.  Naaah.

Thanks to Tiz – whose blood is orange on one side and green on the other side – for the tip.

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Anderson Cooper to Michigan Assistant AG: There’s Something a Little Queer About Your Behavior

Before everyone gets their panties in a twist, this guy has every reason to campaign against, and not-so-covertly stalk University of Michigan Student Council President Chris Armstrong.  The late-night selection at the cafeteria is a COMPLETE waste of time, and anyone who actually wants to eat that pizza is quite obviously a racist Nazi liar.

But seriously, am I wrong or is this guy 100% giving handjobs in the confessional booth every Sunday before dusting off his finest “GOD HATES FAGS” sign and heading to Armstrong’s dorm room? Throughout this whole interview I was just waiting for Anderson to give this poor bastard some advice and say, “If you like him, tell him you like him!”

How is it possible that I’m a worthless nobody and this guy is among the top 10 most important decision-makers in the great state of Michigan?  Dios mio, mang.  Hard to imagine he can even get any work done from inside that closet.

P.S. Just want to remind everyone that just because you have a right to say what you want doesn’t mean you’re not being a complete and total jackass.  In fact, if you ever have to point out to someone else that you’re within your rights, chances are 95% that’s exactly what’s going on.  I can just see this guy getting inches from Chris Armstrong’s face going “I’m not touching you!”

Airball: EA Sports Decides to Spin-off NBA Jam After NBA Elite Demo Makes Gamers Physically Ill

So Peter Moore must read WG (not surprising).  It seems EA Sports has miraculously realized the idiocy of their plan to release NBA Jam, the game you are currently imagining being HELLA FUN as a one-time download with a fresh purchase of NBA Elite ’11, the “new” iteration of the basketball-simulation  schlock that’s been the cause of countless controller smashings over the last decade.  In case you missed it, you can read all about me bashing that “strategy” last month right here.  Anyway, It seems the Elite demo was so buggy and universally criticized [YOUTUBE] that EA head Peter Moore announced that the game would be indefinitely delayed.  Since NBA Jam is basically good-to-go (it has been around for 20 years), it will be released separately.

“Unfortunately, NBA Elite 11 is not yet ready and we have made a decision to delay next month’s launch,” Moore said, without specifying a new release date. “The decision to delay NBA ELITE was hard because the game has great promise. But ultimately we feel this is the right thing to do. We’ve been making steady progress on basketball for the past few years and it’s going to take extra time to make the game.”

NBA Jam, the arcade-style two-on-two game also due on Oct. 5, will still ship on that date for the Wii. The PS3 and Xbox 360 version was to have been included with a free download code in NBA Elite 11. Moore said that game will now be a standalone product that will arrive “in time for the holidays.” He did not indicate a price point or if this will be a physical retail release or digital download.

Kotaku

Let me humbly point out that the important thing in all of this isn’t that I said that bundling the two games together was a crappy ploy, doomed to fail because it hinges on the assumption that people will actually willfully spend $60 on the crap that NBA Elite ’11 would surely be.  And it’s not that I predicted that NBA Jam would be spun off and available as an XBLA/PSN download within 3 months of launch.  No, it’s not all about being right here at WG, folks.  Sometimes, it’s about being SO RIGHT that the head of EA Sports had to publicly acknowledge the shittiness of his product, and announce on his official blog that he’s going to switch on over to the WG strategy, a week before the damn thing was set to launch.  MUAAHAHAHA! Dude ought to be thankful that he’s got the luxury of living in the world of demos, Internet message boards, and wannabe savvy bloggers like yours truly, or he might have released this thing and forced virtual-LeBron James to take his talents down to a landfill in New Mexico.

Well, it’s a glorious day in for wannabe geniuses everywhere.  Just goes to show you: if you go around blowharding a couple of times a day and you cover enough topics, eventually you’ll be right about something.  It’s all a numbers game.

Can’t wait to be the first person to fork over $10 for NBA Jam this holiday season.  I deserve it.

Peter Moore’s Blog via Kotaku

High Art from Low Art

Vodpod videos no longer available.

If Auto-Tune the News has taught us anything, it’s that consciously re-framing authentically unintentional funnies can often induce even more lulz than the original meterial.  Maury Povich being one of my all-time favorite TV shows, I couldn’t deprive you of this.  Kung Fu Hillbilly deserves to be shared with the world.

Quoth my boy Ken: There’s high art; there’s low art; and there’s high art made from low art.

You are wise, sir.

This Guy Hates Inefficiency, and So Do I

As seen on Freakonomics

This guy hates pennies.  And nickels.  He claims it costs the U.S. Mint 1.7 cents to produce a penny and 9 cents to produce a nickel, which I have to say, really burns my loins as well.  If there’s one thing I hate, it’s turning a cold shoulder to rationality for fear that American citizens are too stupid to digest the logical truth and there will be riots in the streets.  It’s sad.

In plenty of other countries the .01 piece has already been done away with, and in reality plenty of your neighborhood vendors will already round out pennies anyway.  When was the last time you bought something for $0.99 and didn’t get change?  And when was the last time you gave a crap?

Joey Boots has Michael Jackson Dropping N-Bombs, Benji Shows up on CNBC

As seen on Barstool Sports NYC

Can someone update me on what’s been going on with Howard’s show lately? Last week we saw Joey Boots pissing off random goobers in Times Square by filming a girl in public.  This week, he’s directing his able index finger directly onto the button of a Michael Jackson impersonator.  It doesn’t take much at all to set him off…maybe he recognized JB and figured he’d get blown up either way so why drag it out.

And then Benji showed up on Fast Money a couple minutes ago.

He muttered something about “not doing the Sanjaya thing,” but I haven’t caught the show since Sirius started charging extra to listen online (WTF).  So what the hell was Benji supposed to be doing? Whatever it was, he failed miserably.  Shouldn’t he know how to do this by now? I’m pretty sure this is not his first rodeo. Gotta just get your “BABA BOOEY!!” in as quick as you can, not try to reason with people like, “No it’s cool, I’m not going to do the Sanjaya thing, don’t worry.”  Unless you’re there to talk about Oracle hiring Mark Hurd, they don’t seem to care, buddy.

Update: Now that I think of it, it could have had something to do with Hurd, since he was ousted from HP in the wake of a sexual harassment scandal.  As he did with Dave Letterman, Howard is apt to take that opportunity to point out that he’s often labeled a sexual deviant by the conventional media, despite never having any extramarital or interoffice controversy come up around him.

Don’t Bring a Shank to a Laser Fight

Corrections officers just leveled up and gained a new ability, and it’s not one the prisoners can recreate by carving their toothbrush.  No, the police are now wielding some sort of skin-penetrating death-ray that they can fire at inmates with a joystick from the safety of their parents’ basement office-hideout thing.

An advanced laser weapon that feels like a painful blast of hot air is to be used in a US prison to break up fights for the first time. The Assault Intervention Device fires a focused beam of energy at the target which authorities hope will stop prisoners fighting as they scramble to get out of the way. The device is controlled by a joystick and computer monitor and emits a beam up to 100 feet. The wave travels at the speed of light and penetrates the skin up to 1/64 of an inch. ‘I equate it to opening an oven door and feeling that blast of hot air, except instead of being all over me, it’s more focused…’

Geekologie

I have to admit I do get a little scared every time I hear about police officers getting slightly more power.  My dealings with the police have led me to conclude that the vast majority of them chose their career path based completely on the fact that they were bullied and beaten as kids, and just want a badge (and gun!) that tells everyone around them “you have to do what I say/DON’T CALL ME DUDE.”  Shit, remember when that one cop punched a woman in the face for jaywalking?!

Thank god for the taser revolution.  It’s 1. helped overzealous cops get their jollies without killing anybody and 2. produce some of the greatest YouTube all-stars to date. It’s just a lot more funny than a woman getting punched in the face for jaywalking.  Of course, the cops aren’t always wrong, and that’s when the best lulz are to be had.  Remember this woman that wouldn’t get off her phone or out of her car or show the cop her license or registration and then tried to throw a punch through her car window?  Tries to act hard for 5 minutes strong, gets exactly what she deserves, then starts whimpering uncontrollably like a baby with pneumonia.  AWESOME.

Anyway, this tech is just in prison and not on the street. so I say fire up Dark Side of the Moon and let’s start the laser show!  Just don’t interfere with dance rehearsal.