Warren Sapp and Michael Irvin Remind You Who’s STILL the Best LB in the League

Can you blame them?  Mike also shows us a face formerly known only to Dallas nightclub bathroom attendants circa 1995.

To the delight of ‘Canes alumni everywhere, Ray Lewis came through with the game-clinching pick in yesterday’s 17-14 win over the Steelers.  Maybe someone should tell him he’s 35.  Naaah.

Thanks to Tiz – whose blood is orange on one side and green on the other side – for the tip.

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Flash Crash Report is 140 Pages of Stuff You Already Know

This Just in: “May 6th Was an Unusually Turbulent Day in the Markets.”  Who woulda thought? I certainly can’t tell just by looking at this chart.

Today’s CFTC report basically told everyone a bunch of things they already knew.  That a turbulent climate in Europe set the stage for a huge down day that overran the market with fear, exacerbated by high-frequency algorithms and retail stop-losses triggering each other in turn like some snot-nosed brat playing an avalanche-inducing round of Domino Rally atop a mountain of human shit.

Remember that the initial speculation was a fat-finger from someone on an institutional desk (Citi was the one named) swiping bids to unload 10 billion S&P E-mini contracts?  The report now says it was 75,000 contracts, quite a bit less, but still a SHITLOAD of liquidity to wipe out in 20 minutes.  And obviously high-frequency traders see that happening and proceed to bomb the hell out of the already sinking ship.  As a wannabe day-trader who was in (and out of) equities on May 6th, I can tell you that when you see the above chart at 2:40 and CNBC is literally broadcasting video of Greek citizens storming banks with Molotov cocktails to the chagrin of riot-control police officers, the easiest thing you’ve ever done in your life is hitting that sell button (assuming you can avoid having an anxiety attack).

Tune in to your favorite talking heads if you like hearing the terms “circuit breakers” and “exacerbating factors,” but stick to WG if you want to hear some things you didn’t already know, for example: CFTC Chairman Clifton has a really nice mullet.  Looks like if he tires of finance he could have a fruitful career in the WWF.

Saturday Night Live Still Sucks, but This Happened

So last week, Katy Perry shot a music video with Elmo for Sesame Street, but the scene was eventually cut due to excessive bewbage.  NBC apparently decided they want to be in the Katy-Perry’s-business bussiness (who could blame them), and lampooned her brief stint on the Street the most clever way they know how.  Genius? Naah, too easy.

The Elmo video’s below if you care to watch it, but the above .gif is both bouncier and silence-ier so, naturally, it gets my vote.

How Many Jersey Shore Costumes Will You See This Halloween?

I have to say these Jersey monkeys are sure doing a good job of pushing that feeling of wannabe-relevance as far as they can.  Pauly D is making good money as a wannabe DJ.  Good for him.  JWoww’s negotiating a deal to appear in Playboy.  Good for us.  Banging Snickers was the best move Vinny could have ever made, as her favorable commentary has led to Playgirl offering $30,000 to make a mold of his manhood for mass production.  The Situation is actually the brightest star on Dancing with the Vaguely Recognizable (when did that show become The Surreal Life and precisely when did being a single teen mom make you a “star”?).  But here’s the kicker for my money: he and Snookie both have packaged halloween costumes available for purchase.  I’m impressed by that…because, sadly, I can imagine a lot of people actually buying them.

If there’s one thing I take great pride in doing myself it’s Halloween costumes.  I’m of the DIY mind whenever possible, and it’s very satisfying to show up to a party with a couple buddies in a group costume that you glue-gunned and bedazzled at home by yourself and then get a ton of laughs.  And this just the kind of costume that’s amazing if you threw it together yourself, but downright lame to buy in a store.  Think all the Jokers you saw last year.  Yea there were too many, but the fact that they were all homemade made it awesome.  Nobody went out to purchase a Bat-suit, they went clothes shopping at a thrift store, bought some green hairspray and boom. Three or four Jokers for you to choose from.  In fact, once the Situation’s ab pads and Snookie’s trashy-Elaine Benes hair even exists in a store, that should be the signal that the joke’s over.

When you’re at the costume store last minute, I know it can be tempting.  I’ve been there before, but you MUSTN’T DO IT.  There’s just way too big a chance you arrive someplace only to find a dozen other last-minute assholes fist pumping their way through the night in what you all thought would be a clever getup.  Ladies in particular should harbor great fear for finding out that someone’s wearing the same outfit as you.  So, while I have to respect the merchandising efforts from their side, I beg you: if you can’t think of something great, take the high road and go with something more generic/less topical please.  The last thing we need is a bunch of chicks dressed like hot garbage instead of the standard fare.  Go with what you know.  The rest of us will thank you.

Kenny Powers is Back on the Bump This Sunday

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Man, am I hurting for some HBO in my life.  After I was introduced to The Life and Times of Tim it became clear to me how god awful 90% of Showtime’s programming is, and subsequently, why Time Warner gives it to me for free.  And now, after a long 18 month off-season, the most entertaining comedy of 2009 is on the comeback trail.  And I’ll just be riding pine, pondering the irony of my parents at home laughing raucously at all the F-bombs, drug use, and disgusting low-brow, white trash asshole humor that I fought so long and hard to propagate in that household, while I’m left out of all the fun.  It’s enough to break your heart.

Eastbound and Down is an amazing vehicle for Danny McBride’s masterful foul-mouthed megalomania.  But somehow, he also manages to make you feel bad for him in those moments when he becomes hilariously shattered and pathetic, despite the awesome power of the AC Slater Mullet.  Throw in a few appearances by Will Ferrel in a bleach blond wig and you’ve got yourself a winner.

One of season 1’s highlights below – Kenny on ecstasy at a school dance

My Last Word on Ines

So I was getting some flack yesterday in the Twitterverse by people who have no sense of hyperbole or humor.  Check out the post, write some shit in the comments.  Go nuts, start a flame war.

http://www.awfulannouncing.com/2010-articles/september/la-ultima-palabra-mia-sobre-ines-sainz.html

High Art from Low Art

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If Auto-Tune the News has taught us anything, it’s that consciously re-framing authentically unintentional funnies can often induce even more lulz than the original meterial.  Maury Povich being one of my all-time favorite TV shows, I couldn’t deprive you of this.  Kung Fu Hillbilly deserves to be shared with the world.

Quoth my boy Ken: There’s high art; there’s low art; and there’s high art made from low art.

You are wise, sir.