Jeff Van Gundy: Heat is the new Jesus

Former Knicks coach and now ABC analyst Jeff Van Gundy has made some heavy predictions that will excite any wannabe Heat fan, and further piss off all the naysaying crybabies in the Eastern Conference that talked a lifetime’s worth of crap about how Miami wouldn’t be able to sign anyone worth the leather on the ball with their remaining cap space.  But Pat Riley’s magic “triple rainbow” was almost a month ago.  Since then, we’ve seen Udonis re-sign for about half of what he could have had elsewhere.  We’ve seen Eddie House return to Miami, giving them the sniper they need to knock down 3’s on a kickout.  Then they were pleasantly surprised with enough extra cap room to sign Mike Miller’s 40% 3-point-shooting ass to do the same-and more.

In an interview with the Miami Herald Van Gundy said:

They have put together a much better roster than anybody could ever have expected. There is now no good way to defend them. They are unguardable. They are indefensible. They are just too good and have added so much shooting and are so versatile that they will score at will.

Coach went on to outline some specifics, including the biggest prediction of all, one that has been touted by a certain Heat fanatic for weeks now:

  • They will break the single-season win record of 72.
  • I think they have a legit shot at the Lakers’ 33-game [winning] streak [in 1971-72], as well.
  • They will never lose two games in a row this year.

Oh, quit hissing, you’re spitting haterade all over your screen.  If LeBron could take the Cavs to 66 wins with Mo Williams, I just don’t see how anyone can argue that a line of 72 isn’t at worst 50/50.


Miami Heat Abolish “Run-the-Point Night,” Decide to Become Deepest Team in the NBA Instead

It seems like just yesterday Dan LeBatard was raving about his idea for a lucky fan to get to play PG for Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, Chris Bosh and, well…another lucky fan.  But today, the Miami Herald is reporting that wannabe-Lex-Luthor Pat Riley has managed to nab former Heat draftee Eddie House in a 2-year deal worth $2.8M (the veteran minimum).  With a couple of even money offers on the table, House obviously went with the ol’ “Best Chance to Win” rationale – the mantra for the 2010-2011 season, which no fans outside of south Florida seem to understand.  He is the prototypical 3-point threat the Heat are looking to dish to when the entire defense collapses in the lane to attempt to draw charges like a bunch of pussies.

House was one of the best shooters remaining on the free agent market and had received more lucrative offers from other teams.  But the chance to play a key role in the Heat’s rotation and compete for a championship alongside Dwyane Wade, LeBron James and Chris Bosh was too much to turn down.

House spent the past three seasons in Boston, where he was on the Celtics’ 2008-09 championship team. He was traded last season to New York. House has averaged 7.6 points and has shot 39 percent from three-point range for his career.

WOOOO EEEEEE the Heat just got cranked up to 11.  Can’t wait to hear what Knicks fans have to say about this one.  After LeBron announced that he wasn’t interested in the Big Apple, the conversations with Knicks fans around here were just ridiculous.  You’d have thought Jay-Z decided to move the Nets to LA or something.  Once I pointed out that they never had a claim to him in the first place, they would always being to criticize Pat and the Heat’s front office, saying they’re going to be playing with 10 minimum contract nobodies.  Well check yourself, homey, we’ve got more role players than a night at the theater.  Here’s how the roster the roster is currently shaping up:

PG – Chalmers / Arroyo / House

SG – Wade / Miller / House

SF – LeBron / James Jones / Miller

PF – Bosh / Udonis / Howard

C – Joel / Z / Magloire / Pittman

Thanks to Goo for keeping an ear to the streets of South Beach.

What Did You Think Was Going to Happen? Very Unpopular Dude Gets Heckled out of Jacobs Field for Dressing like a Very Unpopular Dude

Yea, probably not going to win you any high-fivin’ buddies at the stadium.   This is just so beyond faux pas it’s amazing. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think LeBron owes anything to anyone and I’m pumped as shit for the upcoming NBA season.  But I’ll be damned if you’re going to see me walking into Cleveland rocking my Heat colors!  I mean it’s like pretty much like wearing a Hitler costume to synagogue on a High Holiday.  Dude walked straight into the lion’s den.  I guess that means I gotta give him some respect for having the cojones, but boy are you looking for trouble.

Everyone in Cleveland is bound by one commonality and that is the utter misery that is their life, in professional sports and basically everything else.  They’ve got to be just chomping at the bit for someone to take it out on.  I wouldn’t be surprised if their 7th inning stretch plans had involved a life-sized LeBron-shaped piñata full of hot dogs, and here this motherfucker comes into the haterade capital, dressed like the least popular guy in the middle third of the country.  Dude probably got pelted pelted with eggs on the damn street, I can’t imagine he would think it would be safe to surround himself with 50,000 drunk Indians fans once he made it into the stadium.  Congratulations on making it out of there alive. Good thing it wasn’t souvenir-bat night!

In the end, though all we got was another instance of Cleveland failing at something else.  You had a guy right where you wanted him, just begging to be torn to pieces , and you actually let him get away!  This would have never flown in Philadelphia.  And how about instead of tossing him, those worthless police do their job and protect his innocent, tax-payin’ ass if the fans do decide to get fired up and this thing turns ugly? At the very least give him one of those riot shields and some rubber bullets then watch him fight his way out. << youtube