Jobs: I’m a Little Busy Being God Right Now, Please STFU

Over the weekend, some whiny girl who wanted some comments from Apple so she could write a killer article on the use of iPads in academia got an iSock stuffed her mouth when Jobs responded, “Please leave us alone.”

She needed the company’s input for an article she was writing on the topic.  But her repeated phone calls and voicemail messages to Apple’s media relations department went unreturned.  So she wrote to Jobs himself. “The completion of this article is crucial to my grade in the class, and it may potentially get published in our university’s newspaper … I have called countless times throughout the week, leaving short, but detailed, messages which included my contact information and the date of my deadline. Today, I left my 6th message, which stressed the increasingly more urgent nature of the situation. It is now the end of the business day, and I have not received a call back. My deadline is tomorrow,” she wrote.

After Jobs replied that “Of course, she naturally went on to blame her problems on other people, just like everyone else in this country.  She wrote that Apple was hypocritical for being a company that does so much for students (presumably the thesis of her article), yet doesn’t “responsibly handle the inquiries of professional journalists on deadlines.”

Thankfully, Steve Jobs’s sense of self-importance is pretty spot-on and he replied:

“Our goals do not include helping you get a good grade. Sorry.”

Awesome.  Hilarious girl thinks that the face of modern American entrepreneurship should write her paper for her.  She could probably even avoid failing out of school if he manages to give her few quotes that could make her article worthy of a D+.

sjobs@apple.com: “We have over 300 million users and we can’t respond to their requests unless they involve a problem of some kind. Sorry.”

Chelsea Kate Isaacs: “I AM one of your 300 million users…Please, I am on deadline.”

sjobs@apple.com: “Please leave us alone.”

-All quotes from abcnews.com

Ironically, by being a bit of a jerk, El Jobso seems to have spoon fed her a far bigger story than she ever would have written otherwise.  But she’s also an idiot because he told her exactly how to get their attention: claim to have an issue with a product.  You have to be creative in this business to get noticed, lady.

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My Last Word on Ines

So I was getting some flack yesterday in the Twitterverse by people who have no sense of hyperbole or humor.  Check out the post, write some shit in the comments.  Go nuts, start a flame war.

http://www.awfulannouncing.com/2010-articles/september/la-ultima-palabra-mia-sobre-ines-sainz.html

This Just in: Football Players are a High-Testosterone Bunch

So the Jets are coming under fire now for alleged sexual harassment of a Mexican newslady who reported that her attempt to interview Mark Sanchez for TV Azteca was foiled by juvenile antics and cat calls.

NFL and team officials yesterday said they were investigating reports the Jets made suggestive comments to knockout TV correspondent Ines Sainz — who calls herself “the hottest sports reporter in Mexico” — during and after a weekend practice at their Florham Park, NJ, facility.

During the portion of practice open to the media, Ryan and defensive backs coach Dennis Thurman purposely overthrew passes so they would land near Sainz, she said. Later, during a locker-room availability, several players allegedly hooted and hollered when Sainz walked in.

She later tweeted she was “dying of embarrassment.”

NY Post

Man, I can’t tell you how tired I am of women trying to act like they don’t know exactly what they’re doing.  They do. I know you don’t really think anyone in Mexico gives a flying cacahuate about the questions you have for MarkSanchez.There is maybe nothing less interesting in sports than hearing players whose names aren’t Shaq or Clinton Portis talk about the game.

We try to take everything one game at a time.  We just go out there and give 110%, focus on executing our assignments, and when we do that, you know, we play up to our potential then no team in this league can touch us.

-Johnny Football

Listen, lady. You can’t go around marketing yourself as the “hottest reporter in Mexico” and then walk into an NFL locker room, the one place where nobody expects men to hold anything back -literally the fucking lion’s den- and try to act all embarrassed when a rabid pack of alpha males takes a break from tripping over their third legs to give you exactly what you’re looking for.  You’re not fooling anybody, señorita.  Not only is this the single most potent concentration of testosterone under one roof, but the owner of the organization is named Woody Johnson for Pete’s sake.  If you make it out in one piece you waive the right to complain at all.  You don’t see me waltzing into the ladies’ room, then whining about all the flowers and ticklefights.  Just comes with the territory.  But howcome there isn’t even any urine all over the floor and walls? SO unprofessional.

More pics at The Superficial

Phil Hellmuth Can Never Find Anything in There

After reminding everyone at the table that he’s the best player ever for a couple hours, Phil Hellmuth was able to get all his money in the middle on Poker After Dark last night with AK vs. K9o.  Obviously, he was none too pleased when the flop contained both a K and a 9, so he did what any reasonable man would do: pack up his purse and leave the table (without even bothering to see 4th and 5th streets).

What planet does this guy live on? I used to think he was hilarious but this is actually his personality. When Mike Matusow is telling you you complain too much, you should know you’ve got a problem.  Phil even went so far as to call out another guy for “sayin’ something every 10 seconds.” Apparently he was annoyed that everyone at the table points out all of his missteps.  Dude, that’s what happens when you spend 20 years whining to everyone about how perfect you are. When you’re so sure you can’t fail, you can guarantee everyone’s going to high-five when you do. Get off your high horse and take your purse with you, bro. Hope you keep some feminine napkins in there so you don’t get any of those delicious tears on your Jimmy Choos, douche bag.

Waaa! British are Pussifying Us Too

What’s it like drinking tea while riding on a high horse? It must be especially difficult if you’re also retarded, but don’t take my word for it! Ask British defence secretary Liam Fox, who is calling for a ban on the popular war game Medal of Honor, errr Medal of HonoUr, because its multiplayer mode makes one team the Taliban [BBC video interview].

[British defence secretary] Fox is of course pissed that the game’s multiplayer mode allows one side to fight as Taliban insurgents against ‘Mericans – sorry, coalition forces. Many in this noncontroversy have gone out of their way to take offense (sigh,offence) but Fox gets special commendation. He’s assuming that because one of the multiplayer maps is set within Helmland province, where U.K. forces are based, this explicitly means the game’s killing British troops.

“I am disgusted and angry. It’s hard to believe any citizen of our country would wish to buy such a thoroughly un-British game,” the man who is not the network said. “I would urge retailers to show their support for our armed forces and ban this tasteless product.”

Kotaku

JEBUS, man way to make us look like a bunch of ninnies.  That kinda shit may fly in England, but over here that’s how you wind up fishing your tea out of Boston Harbor, bro.  And has anybody heard of the 1st Amendment over there? To be fair, I can’t single out England, it’s no better over here.  Everywhere you turn there’s someone calling for a ban on something.  Like maybe we should just legislate our way to harmony?  Ban everything that isn’t cotton candy and double rainbows? Isht don’t sink so.  It’s like no one ever read those books that they made everyone read.  Are they not making them read the same ones these days?  Maybe Fahrenheit 451 is banned now, in which case I’m all out of answers.  My head is just spinning like a top.  Bottom line: we’re pussifying ourselves enough over here in the States, we don’t need your help on this one.

Oh, and by the way.  There aren’t even any British forces in the damn game, so stay the hell out of my free market.

BBC via Kotaku

Here is Your New Hades Yankees Lineup

We all know George Steinbrenner died Tuesday morning at age 80, and that many considered him the greatest owner in sports.  Known for his vehement obsession with winning at all costs, and subsequent penchant for buying up established players, The Boss is believed by many to have already put together a dynamite squad from some of baseball’s best/worst in the great dugout of the netherworld.

From jockpost.com:

P – Bugs Raymond, Steve Howe (word has it that he’s got his eye on Roger Clemens when he becomes available)
C – Marty Bergen
1b – Chick Gandil
2b – Billy Martin
3b – Ken Caminiti
SS – Mike “King” Kelly
OF – Ty Cobb, Kirby Puckett, Joe “Ducky” Medwick

Well there you have it.  My baseball knowledge is pretty weak (but I WILL SMOKE YOU at Strat-O-Matic if you want a piece), so I only recognize a handful of these names.  A lot of these guys are pretty old school, because let’s face it, everyone was an asshole back in the day.  I mean you weren’t going to get fired and sued just for getting drunk and womanizing gameday in and gameday out.  It was just generally accepted that “boys will be boys” and “alcoholics will be alcoholics.”  Baseball was America’s game, and America was a different place.  Just think about that the next time your grandpa calls you a faggot.  And give him a hug for me.

Sidenote about George’s death: it comes at as good a moment as there will ever be for a high-profile passing, when 1. the NYY are on top of baseball, and 2. everyone has found a new Evil Empire to whine about: the Miami Heat.  So when the Yanks win this year, it will be “for The Boss” and all that, and haters won’t have enough energy to complain.

How NOT to Give Your Kids Their Self-Esteem Back

Two douchebag parents are suing their sons’ junior hockey team, league, and coaches for cutting the kids. Not only do I despise the scumbags that give America a bad name with their frivolous lawsuits, but I have a deep hatred that burns like the fire of a thousand suns for the ones that actually live up to that bad name by pussifying their kids beyond belief.  I honestly cannot think of a WORSE way to teach your kid to deal with the stress of failure. Remember when you got a bad grade and your mom wanted to call up the teacher to bitch her out (thank god your dad never let her do it)? Imagine that x1000 on public record.

“Their direct actions have caused irreparable psychological damage to Daniel Longo’s self esteem as an impressionable teenager and demoralized Daniel as an athlete and team hockey player with his peers,” the Longo statement of claim reads. “The conduct by all defendants destroyed the dignity of my son, whom in good conscience gave his team nothing but his best efforts.”

WAAAAA. Congratulations, mom and dad, YOU just ended your sons’ career. They might have had a shot with another team, but not after you 1. cut their balls off and 2. let every coach in the world know that they’re a couple of worthless pansies. Tnly thing you can hope for now is that they learn to be tough after getting their asses kicked at school everyday until graduation and/or the inevitable massacre they will rain down upon the student body. Hit the jump for some pics of what hockey players are supposed to look like – some of the toughest SOBs in all sports (healthy, well-adjusted, hyper-violent cavemen).

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