Be Well: The Last Murder in LA Took Place Last Saturday

That is, according to 1993 masterpiece Demolition Man.  In the movie, society is drastically reconstructed for complete interpersonal peace and commercial benevolence within a period of 1 generation.   Anything that’s not good for you is illegal, although somehow Otho from Beetlejuice still manages to fill out that kimono with his impressive  figure.  In a stunning reversal, black people suddenly want to be white, as evidenced by Wesley Snipes dressing like McCauley Caulkin. The tax code is probably all the more objectionable in 2032, though, which explains why he’s still in jail.  Did I mention this movie is a masterpiece?

So we’re a little behind schedule, but there are some aspects of the 2032-San-Angeles model that we definitely seem to be following through with in real life.  Like the legislative crusade on all things unhealthy, for example, along with video chat, commercial jingles taking up as much real estate in the public lexicon as pop tunes, and Rob Schneider becoming increasingly exasperating.  I swear I think about this movie whenever I hear people sing along to the song.  That is to say I think about knocking them out with a glow-rod to the dome piece.  HEY, police relying heavily on the use of TASERs is another one, so there you go.

Now if I can just figure out the damn 3-seashells.

If you happen to like movies about the future, but are broke and living in the goddamn past, I’ve got good news for you – you can actually order Demolition Man and Jean-Claude Van Damme classic TimeCop, together on LaserDisc from Amazon.


Attention New York/Bean Towners: Freakonomics Movie Sneak-Preview Tonight, Pay-What-You-Want Pricing

The freaks over at table 9 Freakonomics have decided to run (what else) a little pricing experiment, and are offering a screening of the new movie with a pay-what-you-want pricing scheme.  So if you’re looking for a way to get rid of all those pesky pennies and nickels, why not put on your finest mustache and go to a quasi-intellectual screening to see some entertaining research projects coming to life?  There’s hookers! And crack!

Interstingly enough, co-author Stephen J. Dubner has already fuxed with some of the early data and found that 18 people have already paid the maximum of $100; about 10x the average ticket (the movie can be rented on iTunes for $9.99).  He hasn’t said how many people paid the minimum of $0.01, but being just one-thousandth of the average $10 ticket, it only takes 1 purchase at that price to offset 10 at $100 and bring that average right back down to earth.  And knowing that the price of movie tickets is actually high enough to prevent me from going to see films that I’m interested in, I’m going to have to take the obvious answer and go with the under $9.99/ticket for this experiment.

I am guessing most of the $100 payees thought they would be the only person to do so, and would therefore show up in the data set as the sole high-roller. Sorry, folks.

It does remind me of something that happened in college. I had a brand-new girlfriend, Sandy, and we were planning to go to the movies one night, along with a friend of hers. Sandy told me that if you showed up at the movie theater in town (this was Boone, N.C., with only one theater) with a $100 bill, they’d let you in free because they never had enough cash on hand to make change.

How could you not be attracted to such a clever girl?

So I went to the bank, drained my account and walked out with a crisp $100 bill. That night at the movie theater, the cashier took my $100 bill without a second glance, gave me three tickets and gave me back the change. Sandy smiled. I did too. She wasn’t clever in exactly the way I thought, but she was clever nonetheless.

Freakonomics Blog

Cities that can check the movie out tonight are Boston, Cambridge, Mass., Chicago, Dallas, Denver, Los Angeles, New York, Philadelphia, San Francisco, and Washington, D.C.  No reason not to, people, YOU CAN PAY A PENNY.

Maybe the theater should try a pay-what-you-want plan for food.  That way I can enjoy a film without spending $30 on nachos.  Come on, you HAVE to get that extra cheese.

Pamela Anderson Had an Epiphany

To the surprise of absolutely no one, Pamela Anderson has finally taken notice of the same thing we all said when we first sat down and watched Tommy Lee steer his boat with that flesh-colored baseball bat back in 1998.

“My children are made fun of because I have posed naked,” confessed actress and model, Pamela Anderson while attending a Playboy party during a two day tour in Bucharest. “When you pose, you are not thinking that one day you will have children who will see it,” added the 43 year old mother of two during an interview with Romanian channel, Pro TV.

Well if it’s any consolation, Pam is a lot more meaningful in the general pop-culture hivemind than the other broads who seek fame by pretending the release of their sex-tapes is an accidents.  She basically invented the celebrity sex-tape that’s now a media mainstay.  Think about that.  The world is a very different place than it was in the 90s, when a sex-tape was universally presumed to have been career-ending.  Pam took her position as the modern sexual icon a step further than Marilyn Monroe would ever dream, and in doing so created something that is as taboo as it gets, yet simultaneously so strategically effective that every wannabe in “show business” (loosely defined) has to follow in her footsteps to get their name out there, all while PRETENDING that it’s an accident.

Pam Anderson is a mainstream, nonsubversive porn star who actually does all the dirty things her disciples fantasize about.  Marilyn Monroe was the perfect vessel for an age where it was wrong to want wild, easy sex; Pam is the perfect vessel in an age where not wanting wild, easy sex makes you a puritanical, born-again weirdo.  It’s not enough to talk like Mae West.  Anybody can do that.  We need proof. Pam has the proof.

-Chuck Klosterman, Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs

Unfortunately, I doubt her son will be able to explain the impact of his mom’s business savvy on the playground.  It’s hard to think straight when some bully’s got his foot up your ass and your face buried in a picture of your mom licking her own nipples.  And if his argument is going to be, “Without my mom, there’d be no Keeping up with the Kardashians,” he’s not going to win too many friends.

Crazy Little Thing Called Sexy Time

Ever wonder what would happen if Borat and Bruno were melded into one character? And that character was also inexplicably gifted with the voice of an angel? Well, you might find out next year: Deadline is reporting that Borat is a go to play ફ્રારુક બુલ્સારા‌ in a movie about his life and band.  You don’t recognize that name? Oh sorry, in Arabic letters it’s “Farrokh Bulsara.”  Still no?  Well any wannabe rock historian should know that Farrokh is the world’s favorite Zorastrian, Freddie motherfucking Mercury.

Sacha Baron Cohen has closed a deal to play Queen front man Freddie Mercury in a film that’s being scripted by Peter Morgan for a 2011 production start. The untitled film will be financed by GK Films partners Graham King and Tim Headington, who’ll produce in partnership with Robert De Niro and Jane Rosenthal’s Tribeca Productions, and Queen Films. Morgan is already working on a script focused on the band’s formative years, leading up to Queen’s appearance at Live Aid in 1985. Queen’s performance is considered one of the rock’s all-time great live concert appearances.


Man, those British sure know a thing or two about rocking.  Say what you will about the advancements in modern American dentistry, but put together a Rock and Roll Dream Team and you’d be hard pressed to find any Yankees breaking the starting lineup.  And in a straight-up gay-off the disparity is even worse.  The UK’s got Freddie, Rob Halford of Judas Priest, Sir Elton John, and half of Ziggy Stardust.  Can the States even assemble a practice squad? Naaaaah.

Anyway, on the subject of SBC, I’m thinking he can pull this off, but it won’t be very fun for him.  Being a comedic guy, I’d bet he can strike a vague balance in the mannerisms between over-the-top goofiness and Rock n Roll swagger – probably by shooting every scene a few thousand times.

Thanks to Goo for the heads-up.

This Sounds Like a Winner

How has this movie not become one of the classics of our generation? And that tagline?!

He came into town with his cock in hand, and what he did with it was illegal in 49 states.

Anything goes in Hawaii! No doubt the marketing geniuses behind this are the same guys that managed to sell 2 million Shake Weights (I shit you not).

Jennifer Aniston Gets it

Marisa Tomei was nominated for an Oscar when she got topless and looked damn good in The Wrestler at age 44.  Whether or not Jennifer Aniston noticed this is up for debate.  One thing that is not, however, is that her last few box office outings have been less than impressive, despite The Bounty Hunter appearing in a heavy rotation that seems to indicate it struck a chord with someone at United Airlines.

Her most recent film The Switch, in which she played a single woman who uses a sperm donor to have a child, bombed at the box office, taking $8.4million in the U.S. box office on its opening weekend.

In a significant departure from her syrupy, goody-goody rom-com roles, the 41-year-old star is to take on her most risqué role and appear topless. Her character also indulges in threesome with two other women, sleeps around with numerous men and takes drugs. The prospect of Aniston appearing topless will generate huge publicity for the film and the actress.

-Paul Thompson, Daily Mail

Well, somebody get this Paul Thompson his Nobel Peace Prize for economics, stat.  Guy’s unlocked the secrets of the freaking universe.  Come to think of it, the prospect of Jennifer Aniston’s nipples in a guest starring role has been the only reason to watch Friends for at least a decade.  Last year’s GQ story titled, “Oh Lordy, this Woman is 40” made it pretty clear that Jen is looking better than the average quadragenarian.  HAVING SAID THAT, she’s not getting any younger, so the time for this movie to happen is right freakin’ now.  You alert the academy, I’ll get the nachos.

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Where We’re Going, We Don’t Need Laces: Nike Patents BttF II Kicks

You’re officially living in the future, folks.  Apparently, we’ve been one step closer to hoverboards since 2009.  Sometime last year, Nike filed for a patent application for shoes (with lights!) that automatically lace themselves up, like the ones Marty Mc-Super-Fly introduced to the world way back in 2015 1989.   Pic below [Engadget] links to another with more detail.

Not to put a damper on the good news, but in this crazy-mixed-up world of cross promotions, I have to wonder if this design isn’t a signal that a new movie might be looming over us (you know kind of how the Transformers movie is a $300 million commercial for action figures?).  Sadly, if it were, it would be yet another horseshit remake of a classic that really doesn’t need to be redone.  In fact it NEEDS to NOT be redone.  BttF gets a free pass on cheesiness at this point because “Ayyyy, it’s the freakin’ 80s”.  If you try and redo it, you’re just bringing that cheese to a party where everyone is lactose intolerant, and it’ll fit in about as well as Martin Lawrence does in King Arthur’s Court.  And the result is sure to be only slightly better than that catastrophe.

Look out for a barrage of concept car designs attempting to revive gullwing doors and we’ll raise the alert level to yellow, but for now I’m onboard (motherfuckin’ hoverboard!).

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