D’oh: RSS Links Fixed

So I borked all the links before in my haste, but here they are again so you can subscribe like the loyal little monkeys I know you are.  They’re also in the sidebar.

Wannabe Genius at HyperVocal RSS feed:
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Yea We Movin’ on Up!

That’s right, monkeys! A new site called HyperVocal launches TODAY, and WG is proud to be part of the new blog network.  Can you believe it? Someone else has actually chosen to affiliate themselves with my daily brianfarts! So check it out, and come hit me up at the new spot.

Links:

www.hypervocal.com

www.hypervocal.com/mikevitiello

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ASU Challenges Duke as Top University for Women’s Studies

See, Karen Owens, there’s no need to worry about that whole “Fucklist” ordeal, the Internet has already moved its microscope onto some other jackass! Elizabeth Hawkenson has become today’s queen of the Intertubez, after appearing in an amateur “audition” porn for the site BackroomCastingCouch, in which she used her real name AND showed her student ID from Arizona State.  The initial uproar concerned revoking her $32,o00 scholarship to the University, as seen in the below reader email from Boston Barstool Sports

Arizona Board of Regents 2020 N. Central Avenue Suite 230 Phoenix, AZ 85004-4593 RE: Elizabeth A. Hawkenson (Copperas Cove, Texas), 2010 ASU Freshman Class Distinguished Regents, I am writing to express my shock and horror at the public conduct of a member of Arizona State University’s 2010 freshman class, Elizabeth A. Hawkenson of Copperas Cove, Texas. This person recently appeared in an internet video in which she identified herself by name, showed her ASU student ID card, then proceeded to engage in explicit and degrading sexual activities with a stranger. She was paid for the act and signed a waiver allowing the video to be posted on the internet. As an ASU alumnus, I object to Ms. Hawkenson’s choice to identify herself as an ASU student in a pornographic video that is available to the general public. I feel that which clearly violates the ASU Student Code of Conduct. On behalf of my fellow ASU alumni, I demand that Ms. Hawkenson’s $32,000 New American Scholar Award be revoked immediately. A young woman who brings shame on her university in such a public and degrading way does not deserve the financial support of that university. Yours Sincerely, Anonymous ASU Alumnus BostonBarstoolSports

Random message boards all over the Web are now claiming that she has been expelled.  Well, WAY TO GO, ASU.  Man, you blew this one (no pun intended).  First of all, ASU is already known as the biggest party school in the country, so nobody’s taking your academic credentials any more seriously for kicking this chick out.  And unimpressive as the curriculum is, this wannabe-pornographer was still doing well enough in the classroom to hang on to her scholarship and probably graduate, at which point she would likely go on to do something OTHER THAN PORN with the rest of her life.  She’s obviously short of cash, not only relying on the school’s financial aid also but banging out strangers to pay for Ramen Noodles.  Now what does her future hold?  Well she still doesn’t have that degree she wanted, and she has even less money now.  I’d bet the farm on “straight back to porn before she gets any older.”

She’s gotta feed the monkey, man.

So Duke is the Best Place to go to College

We all know the lacrosse team knows how to party.  So their choice of stripper was a little misguided, but come on, their hearts were in the right place.  Anyway, some mediocre broad who builds her sense of self-worth solely on the attention of men decided the best way to spend her 4 years of higher education would be to create an incredibly detailed account of all the “scientific research” she did hanging out at a place called Shooters and going home with whichever horny Blue Devils laid the best line on her for 4 years.  And the Internet thanks her by (obviously) spreading the 42-slide Powerpoint presentation all over the damn place, complete with subjects’ real names and likenesses.

Memorable Moments [with Subject 7]: Hooking up on Subject 4’s couch, as he lay sleeping ten feet away.  The quote: “I just want to come all over you.” The Subject successfully (and accidentally) marking his territory with reproductive fluid on the couch, in the exact spot that [subject 4] sat upon his reentry (to much general amusement).  His dirty talk (his voice is actually incredibly sexy). The randomness of the entire encounter.”

You can check out Jezebel for a woman’s perspective, but they’ve redacted all the names and faces.  So if you think you might know some of the poor bastards who’ve been outed for their small weiners and lackluster attempts to bring da noise and/or funk, head over to Boston Barstool Sports to see the PPT in its entirety.

That’s her up top, by the way, on the left.  Meh.  Seen better, seen worse.  But in the eyes of many men, mediocre + DTF = 9/10.  I guess it just reinforces the Seinfeldian theory on female sexuality.

For women, sex is like the garbage man.  You just take for granted that anytime you put some trash out on the street, some guy in a jumpsuit’s going to come along and pick it up.

-Jerry Seinfeld

Some people are concerned about gender discrimination because of the fact that this broad has sullied a lot of men’s, citing the fact that if the roles were reversed, and a man was objectifying and ranking women, no one would think this was funny at all.  Remember that New York Times article about how high school freshman drafting fantasy teams of girls they wanted to hookup with? Caused a fuckin outrage over the “Dangerous Swagger” of high school athletes.  So add to that actual encounters, followed by the public release of all the incriminating details about the innocent underequipped garbagemen involved.

But who really cares about whining about someone else’s problems? Douchebags, that’s who.  The real issue is this bitch does not know how to tell a story at all.  I mean she’s a big enough whore to get banged by all the LAXers and baseball players at Duke, yet she somehow finds a way to make it all completely uninteresting??  You need to set the mood for your reader, honey.  Quit the clinical bull and give me some imagery.  Tell me about the soft candlelight at the restaurant black light at the frat house, the complexity of the merlot tequila you’re sipping puking up at Chez Quis Shooters, while a gentleman fratboy approaches to tell you you’re beautiful ask, “so you want my D?” Phewf, I’m getting all hot and bothered already.  Slap a portrait of bare-chested Fabio on the cover and you’ve got yourself a national best-seller.  Maybe throw in a few vampires just to seal the deal.  And for Pete’s sake, woman, how dare you forget the golden fucking rule of the Internet – PICS OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!

Saturday Night Live Still Sucks, but This Happened

So last week, Katy Perry shot a music video with Elmo for Sesame Street, but the scene was eventually cut due to excessive bewbage.  NBC apparently decided they want to be in the Katy-Perry’s-business bussiness (who could blame them), and lampooned her brief stint on the Street the most clever way they know how.  Genius? Naah, too easy.

The Elmo video’s below if you care to watch it, but the above .gif is both bouncier and silence-ier so, naturally, it gets my vote.

Pamela Anderson Had an Epiphany

To the surprise of absolutely no one, Pamela Anderson has finally taken notice of the same thing we all said when we first sat down and watched Tommy Lee steer his boat with that flesh-colored baseball bat back in 1998.

“My children are made fun of because I have posed naked,” confessed actress and model, Pamela Anderson while attending a Playboy party during a two day tour in Bucharest. “When you pose, you are not thinking that one day you will have children who will see it,” added the 43 year old mother of two during an interview with Romanian channel, Pro TV.

Guanabee.com

Well if it’s any consolation, Pam is a lot more meaningful in the general pop-culture hivemind than the other broads who seek fame by pretending the release of their sex-tapes is an accidents.  She basically invented the celebrity sex-tape that’s now a media mainstay.  Think about that.  The world is a very different place than it was in the 90s, when a sex-tape was universally presumed to have been career-ending.  Pam took her position as the modern sexual icon a step further than Marilyn Monroe would ever dream, and in doing so created something that is as taboo as it gets, yet simultaneously so strategically effective that every wannabe in “show business” (loosely defined) has to follow in her footsteps to get their name out there, all while PRETENDING that it’s an accident.

Pam Anderson is a mainstream, nonsubversive porn star who actually does all the dirty things her disciples fantasize about.  Marilyn Monroe was the perfect vessel for an age where it was wrong to want wild, easy sex; Pam is the perfect vessel in an age where not wanting wild, easy sex makes you a puritanical, born-again weirdo.  It’s not enough to talk like Mae West.  Anybody can do that.  We need proof. Pam has the proof.

-Chuck Klosterman, Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs

Unfortunately, I doubt her son will be able to explain the impact of his mom’s business savvy on the playground.  It’s hard to think straight when some bully’s got his foot up your ass and your face buried in a picture of your mom licking her own nipples.  And if his argument is going to be, “Without my mom, there’d be no Keeping up with the Kardashians,” he’s not going to win too many friends.

Artie Lange Alive and Kicking, Probably Abusing

The world’s most tragically successful fat bastard is reportedly close to speaking about his most recent meltdown and subsequent suicide attempt, according to the fanblog Save Baby Gorilla

Gary said that he has spoken to Artie, who wants to come in to the show to tell the whole story.  Audio below:

Haven’t heard the show in a while, but I’m definitely a longtime fan and want to see Artie get better.  The guy has a ton of baggage when it comes to depression and drug/alcohol abuse; a combination of watching his dad die slowly from a freak accident at a young age and then a life on stage touring NYC’s open mikes – all of which are available for your reading pleasure in Artie’s book Too Fat to Fish.

Now in his 40s, this isn’t the first time Art’s been too messed up to show up to work everyday, even though he’s being paid $700,000 a year to do so.  Seems like he is really desperate to go out like the other tragic fatboys before him, but it’s just not in the cards.  Even when he takes matters into his own hands and stabs himself in the fucking stomach a few times.

Get well, fatass.  Show needs you.