Artie Lange Alive and Kicking, Probably Abusing

The world’s most tragically successful fat bastard is reportedly close to speaking about his most recent meltdown and subsequent suicide attempt, according to the fanblog Save Baby Gorilla

Gary said that he has spoken to Artie, who wants to come in to the show to tell the whole story.  Audio below:

Haven’t heard the show in a while, but I’m definitely a longtime fan and want to see Artie get better.  The guy has a ton of baggage when it comes to depression and drug/alcohol abuse; a combination of watching his dad die slowly from a freak accident at a young age and then a life on stage touring NYC’s open mikes – all of which are available for your reading pleasure in Artie’s book Too Fat to Fish.

Now in his 40s, this isn’t the first time Art’s been too messed up to show up to work everyday, even though he’s being paid $700,000 a year to do so.  Seems like he is really desperate to go out like the other tragic fatboys before him, but it’s just not in the cards.  Even when he takes matters into his own hands and stabs himself in the fucking stomach a few times.

Get well, fatass.  Show needs you.


Loyal Reader Delivers Yankee Tickets!

Adios, suckers! I’m off to Yankee Stadium to enjoy the summer for the first time since moving to NYC this year.

Thanks to Dave for hooking it up!

Joey Boots has Michael Jackson Dropping N-Bombs, Benji Shows up on CNBC

As seen on Barstool Sports NYC

Can someone update me on what’s been going on with Howard’s show lately? Last week we saw Joey Boots pissing off random goobers in Times Square by filming a girl in public.  This week, he’s directing his able index finger directly onto the button of a Michael Jackson impersonator.  It doesn’t take much at all to set him off…maybe he recognized JB and figured he’d get blown up either way so why drag it out.

And then Benji showed up on Fast Money a couple minutes ago.

He muttered something about “not doing the Sanjaya thing,” but I haven’t caught the show since Sirius started charging extra to listen online (WTF).  So what the hell was Benji supposed to be doing? Whatever it was, he failed miserably.  Shouldn’t he know how to do this by now? I’m pretty sure this is not his first rodeo. Gotta just get your “BABA BOOEY!!” in as quick as you can, not try to reason with people like, “No it’s cool, I’m not going to do the Sanjaya thing, don’t worry.”  Unless you’re there to talk about Oracle hiring Mark Hurd, they don’t seem to care, buddy.

Update: Now that I think of it, it could have had something to do with Hurd, since he was ousted from HP in the wake of a sexual harassment scandal.  As he did with Dave Letterman, Howard is apt to take that opportunity to point out that he’s often labeled a sexual deviant by the conventional media, despite never having any extramarital or interoffice controversy come up around him.

Hobo Throws Down the Plastic at NY Deli

Some woman went crazy last week and decided it would be a good idea to give a homeless dude her platinum AmEx.  Hey, he just wanted some VitaminWater and cigarettes.

“He asked me if I had any money,” she told The Post yesterday. “He said he just wanted to get a Vitaminwater. I said, ‘I don’t [have cash] — I only have my credit card.'” Maybe it was the booze, maybe Harris has a soft spot for the underprivileged — but the next thing she knew, she was handing the stranger her high-powered plastic.

“He said, ‘Would it be OK if I borrow it?’

“I said, ‘Sure.’

“He said, ‘Is it OK if I get a pack of cigarettes, too?’

“I said, ‘Sure.’ “

“Ten minutes passed,” she said. “I thought maybe, ‘OK, he did leave with it.’

“We went downstairs [to the basement-level eatery] and someone came down and said, ‘He’s back!’ “

She went back outside to find her judgment was on the money as the bum returned — charge card in hand.

NY Post

Ok, ok, so the guy came back.  That’s great.  If you believe that! Personally, this story smells like a pile of homeless bullshit to me.  Here’s why:

1. what kind of shopkeep lets a homeless guy waltz into the store and then charge a pack of cigarettes on a platinum AmEx? “Well, he looks like a ‘Merrie.’  Nothing suspicious here.”  Not to mention that American Express is a higher-end card.  I mean I see homeless dudes rocking Discover all the time, but PLATINUM AmEx?

2. In fact, these delis don’t even take AmEx.

3. Why in the hell wouldn’t this woman go in and buy the guy a freaking Vitamin Water herself versus handing over the plastic? Because it’s the company card, that’s why.  Ms. High-Powered Exec doesn’t give a homeless rat’s ass.  Word to the controller at JWT – keep an eye out for Vitamin Water and cigarettes on those expense reports.

NY Post via