D’oh: RSS Links Fixed

So I borked all the links before in my haste, but here they are again so you can subscribe like the loyal little monkeys I know you are.  They’re also in the sidebar.

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ESPN Producer Caught Publicly Touching/Resembling His Weiner

So my first reaction when I saw this story about ESPN Producer Neil Goldberg was to think back on similar peeping Toms and public masturbators that have been caught doing their thing in the past few months. Like this guy who wasn’t doing anything but was clearly suspicious, or this guy who was actually rubbing his junk on some poor girl on the N-train.  Whenever I see stories like this I can’t help but think about how much high-quality porn is so readily available on the Interent.  And it blows my mind that these guys, many of whom would go to the lengths that they do, with all the associated risk of getting caught, being embarrassed, arrested, losing your family and job, and basically having your life ruined in every imaginable way.  So how is it possible that so many men who are otherwise leading normal, healthy lives choose to stare this risk in the face and then attempt to cover it with their J-O-nnaise? There’s no way they are unaware or unwilling to tap into the plethora of debauchery that is but a Google away.  Is there?

The only conceivable answer is one that just may scare me right off the web for years to come: Is it possible that these poor bastards have “used up” their appetite for Internet porn?  I mean how many times can you really watch a girl in an ASU cheerleading uniform get demoralized by two men? Quite a few it seems, but there has to be a limit.  I’ll report back when I hit it.

I certainly hope this isn’t the case, though, because the Internet and its barrage of flesh-at-your-fingertips are still a fairly new part of human life.  Imagine all the guys out there that have been watching that shit since age 11!  There’s no telling what level of craziness they’ve worked up to now.  Sooner or later, the bubble’s going to pop and there will be a GLOBAL PANDEMIC of desperate lunatics running around out there perching on the windowsills of innocent showerers and snaking cameras through the peepholes at their favorite announcers’ hotel rooms; a veritable zombie-invasion of guys that just can’t get off by watching porn anymore and are forced to wander the Earth looking for open windows to climb into so they can eat your underwear.

Hide ya kids, hide ya wife, etc.

My Last Word on Ines

So I was getting some flack yesterday in the Twitterverse by people who have no sense of hyperbole or humor.  Check out the post, write some shit in the comments.  Go nuts, start a flame war.

http://www.awfulannouncing.com/2010-articles/september/la-ultima-palabra-mia-sobre-ines-sainz.html

Gainesville is Full of Retards, Makes U.S. Look Like Assholes

The only thing that could make this story at all palatable is if it were somehow Tim Tebow’s fault.  Unfortunately though, it seems the blame falls squarely on the mustache of Pastor Terry Jones (above).  Pastor Jones seems to think that by burning a bunch of Qur’ans on September 11th, he’ll ward off the evil spirit of Muhammad Bin Laden or something like that.  I’m not really sure because part of my brain exploded when I read that he disregarded General Patraeus’s comment that doing so will impede the U.S. forces’ effort in Afghanistan.

“It could endanger troops and it could endanger the overall effort,” Gen. Petraeus said in an interview. “It is precisely the kind of action the Taliban uses and could cause significant problems. Not just here, but everywhere in the world we are engaged with the Islamic community.”

Mr. Jones, head of the 50-member Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Fla., said in a statement that “We understand the General’s concerns. We are sure that his concerns are legitimate.” Nonetheless, he added, “We must send a clear message to the radical element of Islam. We will no longer be controlled and dominated by their fears and threats.”

WSJ

Dude. You’re doing it wrong.  I gotta be honest, it really seems like you’re the one instigating here.  1.  You should understand that what makes America great is freedoms, like freedom of religion, which gives Muslims the right to do their thing peacefully, and you to do yours.  2. You should realize that even though this means you have the right to do your demonstration, you’re being kind of a dick.  And 3. when General P. tells you that you’re stepping on his toes, you better just drop the Qur’ans and go back to peeling potatoes, maggot.  Leave the war to the army.

Look I know I’m bordering on my own anti-pussification rules with this next statement but we’re talking about people blowing each other up so I’m gonna go ahead and draw the line somewhere: being inflammatory for no reason is BAD FOR EVERYBODY.  Even comedy is a reason so just tell me you’re joking and we can have a beer.  Otherwise, I have to come clean: basically, I hate your religion just as much as I hate Islam, or any of the other ones that say you should aggressively proselytize, protest, burn records, kill a few million people in the name of Jesus/Allah/Flying Spaghetti Monster and generally impose your bullshit on other people who are just trying to go about their damn business.  Let me put it in terms you can understand: Shit may seem rosy in Gainesville because you literally don’t have any Muslims and you’re about to become the most famous pastor in town, but in the American cities that are actually important in the world, we have brown people.  And it would be better if they didn’t think we were all a bunch of dickbutts.  I’m not trying to get blown up because two groups of schmucks thinks the other’s got the wrong god.

WTF: Big Brother Really is Watching You

Remember all that talk about how making a ton of your personal information available, including real-time location, is not only kind of silly but also potentially catastrophic in a creepily Orwellian way?  Well get ready to read some journalists leaning pretty, pretty, pretty hard on that cliche in the near future.  Apparently the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit decided that it’s completely cool for cops to roll up to your house and plant a motherfucking GPS tracker on your car to log your movement.

You can listen to the hearing here, but the reasoning is that an un-gated driveway does not imply an “expectation of privacy,” and that – get this – there is “no reasonable expectation that the government isn’t tracking your movement.” Therefore, planting the tracker does not constitute a search and no warrant is necessary.

This case began in 2007, when Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) agents decided to monitor Juan Pineda-Moreno, an Oregon resident who they suspected was growing marijuana. They snuck onto his property in the middle of the night and found his Jeep in his driveway, a few feet from his trailer home. Then they attached a GPS tracking device to the vehicle’s underside.

After Pineda-Moreno challenged the DEA’s actions, a three-judge panel of the Ninth Circuit ruled in January that it was all perfectly legal. More disturbingly, a larger group of judges on the circuit, who were subsequently asked to reconsider the ruling, decided this month to let it stand.

Time

I have to wonder if some of the judges weren’t bringing a bias to the table here based on the fact that the guy was actually breaking the law, but the ends still don’t justify the means.  Counsel for the gub’ment says that there was reasonable suspicion to plant a tracker on this guy, but she has the very liberating benefit of making such a claim under the warm glow of vindication that is Pineda-Moreno’s guilty-plea.  She points out that it’s not as though they were just planting GPS trackers on every car in the neighborhood.  Unfortunately nobody raised their hand to ask, “uhh, but what would stop them from doing so if they wanted?”

Gizmodo writer Matt Buchanan points out that the “slippery slope” argument is all-too-often invoked to make an otherwise absurd philosophical leap, like the one some jerkass tried to argue that once you allow gay marriage people will start lining up to marry horses), but here it is very reasonable.  In fact, the only unreasonable thing is that we’ve been so enamored with the wonders of our glossy, new-fangled, wireless mobile iGoogle-machines that we’ve already slipped and slided (slid?) our way right to legal government surveillance.

Of course, should you have reason to believe someone’s tracking you there’s something you can do about it.  The Jammer Store‘s got you covered if you’re in the market for a GPS jammer.  There’s just one problem: They’re illegal.

Look for Me in a Bufalino Near You

The Bufalino is a German-made RV with an Italian name designed by Cornelius Comanns.  It fits one person and features a reclining seat-back, sink, desk, and “cooking-zone.” And since the rent bill arrived today and the downward spiral that is my life seems to only be accelerating, get ready to see my Blogmobile double-parked outside of your local Starbucks sucking down WiFi faster than you can say “venti white mocha cappucino.”

A pantload of pics are available at designboom.com, since I’m going to have to pawn my camera for the Bufalino fund.

God Bless America: This is Why You’re Fat is Back with a Vengeance

I for one am extremely happy to see This is Why You’re Fat come back to fill my need for a glorious, diabeetus-inducing food blog.  It’s like my methodone.  Looking at pictures of all this deliciousness is the only thing that helps keep me from going out and gorging like a mad man.  And it doesn’t hurt to have everyone around me viciously judging me while I drool over the pics.

Exclusive to NYC’s Whopper Bar. Four flame-broiled Whopper® patties topped with pizza-lovers’ favorites (pepperoni, mozzarella cheese, marinara sauce and Tuscan pesto sauce) all on a 9 1/2-inch sesame seed bun.

Unfortunately this TiwYF post, unlike the news of KFC’s Skinwich from earlier this week, highlights a New York exclusive, which means I have to go out and try this monster.  Tell my mother I love her.