ESPN Producer Caught Publicly Touching/Resembling His Weiner

So my first reaction when I saw this story about ESPN Producer Neil Goldberg was to think back on similar peeping Toms and public masturbators that have been caught doing their thing in the past few months. Like this guy who wasn’t doing anything but was clearly suspicious, or this guy who was actually rubbing his junk on some poor girl on the N-train.  Whenever I see stories like this I can’t help but think about how much high-quality porn is so readily available on the Interent.  And it blows my mind that these guys, many of whom would go to the lengths that they do, with all the associated risk of getting caught, being embarrassed, arrested, losing your family and job, and basically having your life ruined in every imaginable way.  So how is it possible that so many men who are otherwise leading normal, healthy lives choose to stare this risk in the face and then attempt to cover it with their J-O-nnaise? There’s no way they are unaware or unwilling to tap into the plethora of debauchery that is but a Google away.  Is there?

The only conceivable answer is one that just may scare me right off the web for years to come: Is it possible that these poor bastards have “used up” their appetite for Internet porn?  I mean how many times can you really watch a girl in an ASU cheerleading uniform get demoralized by two men? Quite a few it seems, but there has to be a limit.  I’ll report back when I hit it.

I certainly hope this isn’t the case, though, because the Internet and its barrage of flesh-at-your-fingertips are still a fairly new part of human life.  Imagine all the guys out there that have been watching that shit since age 11!  There’s no telling what level of craziness they’ve worked up to now.  Sooner or later, the bubble’s going to pop and there will be a GLOBAL PANDEMIC of desperate lunatics running around out there perching on the windowsills of innocent showerers and snaking cameras through the peepholes at their favorite announcers’ hotel rooms; a veritable zombie-invasion of guys that just can’t get off by watching porn anymore and are forced to wander the Earth looking for open windows to climb into so they can eat your underwear.

Hide ya kids, hide ya wife, etc.

ASU Challenges Duke as Top University for Women’s Studies

See, Karen Owens, there’s no need to worry about that whole “Fucklist” ordeal, the Internet has already moved its microscope onto some other jackass! Elizabeth Hawkenson has become today’s queen of the Intertubez, after appearing in an amateur “audition” porn for the site BackroomCastingCouch, in which she used her real name AND showed her student ID from Arizona State.  The initial uproar concerned revoking her $32,o00 scholarship to the University, as seen in the below reader email from Boston Barstool Sports

Arizona Board of Regents 2020 N. Central Avenue Suite 230 Phoenix, AZ 85004-4593 RE: Elizabeth A. Hawkenson (Copperas Cove, Texas), 2010 ASU Freshman Class Distinguished Regents, I am writing to express my shock and horror at the public conduct of a member of Arizona State University’s 2010 freshman class, Elizabeth A. Hawkenson of Copperas Cove, Texas. This person recently appeared in an internet video in which she identified herself by name, showed her ASU student ID card, then proceeded to engage in explicit and degrading sexual activities with a stranger. She was paid for the act and signed a waiver allowing the video to be posted on the internet. As an ASU alumnus, I object to Ms. Hawkenson’s choice to identify herself as an ASU student in a pornographic video that is available to the general public. I feel that which clearly violates the ASU Student Code of Conduct. On behalf of my fellow ASU alumni, I demand that Ms. Hawkenson’s $32,000 New American Scholar Award be revoked immediately. A young woman who brings shame on her university in such a public and degrading way does not deserve the financial support of that university. Yours Sincerely, Anonymous ASU Alumnus BostonBarstoolSports

Random message boards all over the Web are now claiming that she has been expelled.  Well, WAY TO GO, ASU.  Man, you blew this one (no pun intended).  First of all, ASU is already known as the biggest party school in the country, so nobody’s taking your academic credentials any more seriously for kicking this chick out.  And unimpressive as the curriculum is, this wannabe-pornographer was still doing well enough in the classroom to hang on to her scholarship and probably graduate, at which point she would likely go on to do something OTHER THAN PORN with the rest of her life.  She’s obviously short of cash, not only relying on the school’s financial aid also but banging out strangers to pay for Ramen Noodles.  Now what does her future hold?  Well she still doesn’t have that degree she wanted, and she has even less money now.  I’d bet the farm on “straight back to porn before she gets any older.”

She’s gotta feed the monkey, man.

The Whole World Has Aliens on the Brain

There’s been an overwhelming amount of alien-related news lately, and the latest bits of it have covered the leaders of Earth actually preparing for conact.  It all started when European astronomers discovered a new solar system last month, 127 light years away from us, and believed to contain at least 5 planets. Pretty awesome, right?

Any wannabe astronomer worth his salt knows that the universe is 1. estimated to be 14 billion years old, 2. HUGE and 3. expanding.  Where the REAL wannabes go from there is to understand that means there is undoubtedly a non-zero probability that the necessary components have come together in the necessary proportions to sustain life somewhere else in the universe.  And if that probability hasn’t come to fruition yet, it is still a certainty when extended over an infinite timeline.  In other words, it’s only a matter of time before we find some other planet that can sustain life and raid them for their Spacecash.

Wait, what?  It already happened?!

If confirmed, the exoplanet, named Gliese 581g,  would be the first Earth-like world found residing in a star’s habitable zone — a region where a planet’s temperature could sustain liquid water on its surface. [Illustration of planet Gliese 581g.]

Earth once supported harsh conditions, the researchers point out. And since red dwarfs are relatively “immortal” living hundreds of billions of years (many times the current age of the universe), combined with the fact that conditions stay so stable on a tidally locked planet, there’s a good chance that if life were to get a toe-hold it would be able to adapt to those conditions and possibly take off, Butler said.

“Personally, given the ubiquity and propensity of life to flourish wherever it can, I would say, my own personal feeling is that the chances of life on this planet are 100 percent,” said Steven Vogt, a professor of astronomy and astrophysics at the University of California, Santa Cruz, during a press briefing today. “I have almost no doubt about it.”

Space.com

There you have it folks.  So what is Earth to do when we see a mind-blowing jump in the probability that there are indeed some sexy blue cat people out there theatrically recreating the plot of Fern Gully?  News outlets have reported this week that the first order of business for the UN was to appoint a pointman as Alien Ambassador.  Since the kid from E.T. was unavailable they went with an astrophysicist (yawn) from Malaysia, Mazlan Othman.  Apparently this story has since been debunked as mass confusion fueled by the Interwebz’ hyperactive news-cycle, but it seems like Othman is already the go-to lady anyway, as head of the U.N.’s Office for Outer Space Affairs (UNOOSA).  Personally I’d like to see that awesome Japanese scientist with the sweet hair representing Earth, or maybe John Stamos.  Gotta make sure we put our best foot forward.

Interestingly enough, the Vatican has also chimed in.  The Pope‘s astronomer (the Pope has an astronomer?!) said that he would “be delighted” if intelligent life were found, and that he would baptize them Catholic if they so wished.  He had no answer when asked, “But why the hell would they want that?”

Speaking ahead of a talk at the British Science Festival in Birmingham, he said that the traditional definition of a soul was to have intelligence, free will, freedom to love and freedom to make decisions. “Any entity – no matter how many tentacles it has – has a soul.” Would he baptise an alien? “Only if they asked.”

The Guardian

Unfortunately, those soulless gays are still out of luck.

How Many Jersey Shore Costumes Will You See This Halloween?

I have to say these Jersey monkeys are sure doing a good job of pushing that feeling of wannabe-relevance as far as they can.  Pauly D is making good money as a wannabe DJ.  Good for him.  JWoww’s negotiating a deal to appear in Playboy.  Good for us.  Banging Snickers was the best move Vinny could have ever made, as her favorable commentary has led to Playgirl offering $30,000 to make a mold of his manhood for mass production.  The Situation is actually the brightest star on Dancing with the Vaguely Recognizable (when did that show become The Surreal Life and precisely when did being a single teen mom make you a “star”?).  But here’s the kicker for my money: he and Snookie both have packaged halloween costumes available for purchase.  I’m impressed by that…because, sadly, I can imagine a lot of people actually buying them.

If there’s one thing I take great pride in doing myself it’s Halloween costumes.  I’m of the DIY mind whenever possible, and it’s very satisfying to show up to a party with a couple buddies in a group costume that you glue-gunned and bedazzled at home by yourself and then get a ton of laughs.  And this just the kind of costume that’s amazing if you threw it together yourself, but downright lame to buy in a store.  Think all the Jokers you saw last year.  Yea there were too many, but the fact that they were all homemade made it awesome.  Nobody went out to purchase a Bat-suit, they went clothes shopping at a thrift store, bought some green hairspray and boom. Three or four Jokers for you to choose from.  In fact, once the Situation’s ab pads and Snookie’s trashy-Elaine Benes hair even exists in a store, that should be the signal that the joke’s over.

When you’re at the costume store last minute, I know it can be tempting.  I’ve been there before, but you MUSTN’T DO IT.  There’s just way too big a chance you arrive someplace only to find a dozen other last-minute assholes fist pumping their way through the night in what you all thought would be a clever getup.  Ladies in particular should harbor great fear for finding out that someone’s wearing the same outfit as you.  So, while I have to respect the merchandising efforts from their side, I beg you: if you can’t think of something great, take the high road and go with something more generic/less topical please.  The last thing we need is a bunch of chicks dressed like hot garbage instead of the standard fare.  Go with what you know.  The rest of us will thank you.

Fed Maintains Target Interest Rate, Markets Act Like it’s the First Time They’ve Heard That, Mike Vitiello is Face of Sleeplessness/Joblessness

Gold shot up, the dollar index shot down, and somewhere, Scott Baio staved off foreclosure for another 30 days.  As I astutely pointed out yesterday on the Dylan Ratigan Show, the Gub’ment seems to be basing its approach to recovery on the ol’ trickle-down mechanism.  Unfortunately, that only works when people aren’t coming off of a stern finger-wagging and “See what happens when you don’t save??!” lecture.  Right now, Johnny Small-business Owner is playing it safe, worrying more about staying afloat than bringing other onto his lifeboat.  Obviously, anytime you go through a financial clusterfuck like the one we experienced over the past few years, the natural reaction is to become cautious.  Couple that with the fact that we’ve basically concluded that the shitstorm resulted from everyone in the damn country behaving recklessly to begin with, and you can bet your bottom Yuan the result is going to be a doubley-cautious fear of investing in growth, which has manifested itself in the form of 9% unemployment.

The only way the businesses who have cash are putting it to work right now is by acquiring smaller fish.  And that’s NOT GOOD for the unemployment picture.  It certainly contributes in the way of redundancy-layoffs but also widens the gap between the huge “too fat to fish” mega-corps and American small business – the supposed engine of job-growth.  Think the New York Yankees, whose above average cash flow affords them the strategy of routinely paying-up for low-risk high caliber talent instead of doing their own R&D in the farm system like the Marlins.   What we need is to jump out of this thing like J-Becks and the NL did in 2003 – with some grassroots innovation that knocked the high and mighty Yanks out of their ivory tower.  Now if we could only come up with ideas that don’t involve taking jobs away from us monkeys and giving em to bloodthirsty, illegal Japanese immigrant robots.  THEY DURKA DAAURRR!!

PS – Yes, that’s a Yellow Submarine tie.

My Last Word on Ines

So I was getting some flack yesterday in the Twitterverse by people who have no sense of hyperbole or humor.  Check out the post, write some shit in the comments.  Go nuts, start a flame war.

http://www.awfulannouncing.com/2010-articles/september/la-ultima-palabra-mia-sobre-ines-sainz.html

This Guy Hates Inefficiency, and So Do I

As seen on Freakonomics

This guy hates pennies.  And nickels.  He claims it costs the U.S. Mint 1.7 cents to produce a penny and 9 cents to produce a nickel, which I have to say, really burns my loins as well.  If there’s one thing I hate, it’s turning a cold shoulder to rationality for fear that American citizens are too stupid to digest the logical truth and there will be riots in the streets.  It’s sad.

In plenty of other countries the .01 piece has already been done away with, and in reality plenty of your neighborhood vendors will already round out pennies anyway.  When was the last time you bought something for $0.99 and didn’t get change?  And when was the last time you gave a crap?