You Don’t Fuck with Uncle Jesse

Because the most glorious mullet of the 1990s has powers that still permeate to this day, Uncle Jesse proved what we’ve all been screaming for a while – if they’re in the club, drinking, it’s not your fault when they turn out to be 17. It’s just your lucky day.

After Rebecca Romijn left him for the fat kid from Stand By Me, Uncle J understandably did some hard drinking and picked up some chick in the club, inviting her and about 10 other people into his hotel room the following night, where he was alleged to have been flirting and hot-tubbing it up with her.  The girl in question also alleges that the Kid then offered to go downtown on her, which she declined (wtf?).

But the real twist in the story is that she and a male friend of hers then began harassing the Rippers frontman, claiming to have incriminating photos of him doing coke and whatnot with the 17 year old.  AAAaaaaand, since nobody puts the Kid in a corner, the J-man set his mullet to STING, and arranged for an FBI agent to “drop off” $600,000 in hush-money.

“The allegations made regarding an inappropriate relationship are completely untrue,” Stamos added. “These slanderous allegations to smear my reputation were part of their defense to redirect attention away from the federal crime of extortion. There was no hot tub, no drugs, no nudity and nothing sexual in nature involved in my friendship with this woman. They lied about everything from a pregnancy to compromising photos.”

Un-fucking-stoppable. That’s the only way to describe the ninja-like mastery of the art of lady-killing of Hermes Jesse Katsopoulis.  Seriously, the Kat smelled this girl coming a MILE away.  He obviously suspected something was up or he would have never tested her by asking for permission to go down on her.  He would have just put a little mousse in his hair and it would have been a done deal. Do the JessMan!

The Superficial

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