it was just brought to my attention that im apparently completely out of line by standing up to wipe. several of the bitches i apparently live with say that “everyone in the world” wipes sitting down. i think only women do. i dont think im wrong in standing and if i am so be it- im not changing my ways at this point in the game.

please let me know how you do


P.S. the next theyre gonna tell me is that im supposed to wash my hands afterwards.

coach response:

personally, the act of ass wiping has gone through a lot of evolution throughout my life. i remember the first time i had to poop in preschool. the bathroom was in between my class and my brother’s first grade class next door. luckily he was in the bathroom at the same time as me and i was able to ask, “hey. soo…how do i wipe my butt?” hell if i know what i had been doing up until that point, but he told me to crumple up a ball of paper and use that. so for a while thats how it went down. eventually, as i got older, and my motor skills developed, i was able to conserve paper (although i can still go through a roll in a few sittings) by using a nice fold-over style layering process. now this whole time, i had been a standing wiper for whatever reason.


then one fateful day i rose from the throne to clean up, and, lo and behold, i witnessed the descent of a dingleberry onto the shorts around my ankles. and ever since, i have always been a sitter. thankfully, i was in the comfort of my own home, but for the love of god, take this bit of advice, my friend:




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