-from brother’s friend: amazing:

This is pretty hilarious. Its from one of my buddies from chicago. The first is an email sent by a chick that gave some random guy head in the bathroom of a bar, and the second is her boyfriend’s reply. I laughed out loud.

—–Original Message—–
From: [mailto:*******
Sent: Monday, October 24, 2005 9:50 AM
To: ******
Subject: ugh

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I
feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am
truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in
the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would
ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that
happened, so I won’t even try other than to say all of us had WAY too
much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at
me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were
exchanged between us, what I can’t handle is thinking that you see me
as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just went through a
horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn’t
crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can’t listen to, and I just
feel beyond crushed. I don’t know if you meant everything you said to
me, and I am hoping that you didn’t. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds
totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant
role in my life, I can’t imagine my days without you. It is totally
strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn’t
reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I
hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person,
because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back
what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was
just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up
there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything
in the world to rewind and fix it.
I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you
won’t. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for
getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your
house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I
can’t even focus or work today, I can’t eat, I seriously feel like it was an
ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and
you are not done with me. Please don’t cut me off, I really don’t think I
can handle that.

I am so sorry.

Elizabeth

——————————————————————–
Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I’ll be sure to file it away under “L”
for “Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn’t care less
about”.

You did a stupid thing huh? No…doing long division and forgetting
to carry the one is “a stupid thing”; Mixing in a red sock with a load of
whites is “a stupid thing”; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45
minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you’re taking so long because you
ate too much bran that morning isn’t as much a “Stupid thing” as it is
grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I’m not sure if it was more amusing that you went and
degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour
span, or that you seemed to think that by saying “Well, I didn’t F*ck him”
somehow gave you a clean slate.

So forgive me if I couldn’t care less if the world “looked funny” to
you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden
retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans. I’m sure it must have been
most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else’s feelings for 24
hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don’t think
you’re a terrible person, they just think you’re the average run of
the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your
average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it’s pretty hard to
respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even
though she’s seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing
the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin
Farrell’s new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the
men’s room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump
into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we’ll have a shot and laugh our asses off about the time it happened.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class
you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you
do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like
watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I BCC’d about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,
Brad

————————

this may very well be the best thing i have ever ever seen

-jones

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: