so today my mom was wandering around the house complaining about how filthy my brother’s bathroom is…eventually, of course, she ends up cleaning the whole thing, which didn’t really surprise me, stupid though it is…so about 3 o clock i notice an unusually fresh smell coming from that side of the hallway and decide to check out the work she’s done, only to find a new waterproof radio/cd player and a pillow for the fucking tub…i can’t tell you how many times i was in my bath wishing i had a goddamn pillow, not to mention some friggin tunes, i mean i know we all have…but to reward the filth and leave me out in the cold because i’m only moderately disgusting?! uncalled for

-coach

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i was at the marlins game yesterday and want to make a inquiry about the phenomenon known as “the wave.” i believe its birth at any sporting event is much like the birth of a wave in the ocean: a mystery to most. another amazing aspect of this godsend is its captivating quality. you know damn well that when the wave is going on, atleast to the fans, the game has stopped. every single person is just looking around the stadium in anticipation of the next time they can stand and throw their hands up. maybe its just me, but the wave is definitely something i looovve.

-jones

last night i had a dream that i got arrested for stealing a bubble gum dispenser full of swedish fish. not a bad way to go out.

-jones

id like someone to rub one out with a her pleasure condom to see if its as good for their hand as it is for their weewee…where are the medical journals for stuff like this?

-coach

id like to now mention the greatest travesty since i have been back in miami: the fact that the cheesy gordita crunch (cgc) has already been replaced on the taco bell menu…this is an outrage…i havent enjoyed more than 10 and already its gone. god…if you really are up there…………..ur an asshole.

-coach

last night i had a great run-in with tony in the world of halo. naturally, tony is the worst player in the room, while simultaneously being the biggest shit-talker. this is beyond annoying, since he thinks he is gonna run his mouth all night because its my basically the third time in my life i have held an xbox controller. needless to say, i whipped his ass in the second game and shut him up to some degree.

on to moes for an hour or so to celebrate. the place was ridiculously packed with 85% gulliver alumni, and even some raiders that had school today. as soon as you see esquinazi and dj roll up to a bar, you know something is inherently wrong with the universe. it was disgusting. late to this place, to taco bell i go. but wait, oh my, its grandmaster smitty in the flesh, definitely looking a little bit “swollen” as his mom put it, but hey arent we all? i know i am.

-coach

i would like to ask medicine companies to refrain from using the words “instant relief” on products that do nothing more than relieve you of $3.39

-coach